Okay...so, I'm not really one of those writers that gets off/or is turned off by a verse's visual appearance. My definition of form tends to lean towards the structure of the content, then meter/cadence/rhyme scheme....TBH, I could give a fuck about line length...I don't generally have to sound-shit-out as I read (if you know what I mean?)...so I'm not offended by long lines or short lines.
That being said...
This should be read out loud. There was a heavy spoken word vibe to the cadence/meter of this piece. I feel like the poetic expression was really strong in this verse...so, I'm going to break it down fully. Cause this is my shit!
Man…it’s funny,
When this started a part of me departed
Worried you’d attach & sap room,
I’d see your heart skid…
...downwards - too damn soon.
(I found you)
ok, here I really like the idea of a part of you "leaving" as a self preservation tool...especially in tandem with the knowledge that the object of your affection has issues that might indicate a need to suck the life out of anyone that will give her/him attention and love.
Still, I resolved…told my soul
My past toll’s what scolded
You, so I folded – moulded
My arms to your waist…knowing
When I was holding I owned you;
My mode zoned to
The glowing two…pairs of eyes
Remember I,
Was mesmerized,
Every time,
They met with mine.
nice imagery here...arms molded around her waist...glowing eyes...I liked the use of the word "toll" in the second line...created a thick bed off assonance, but it's also a nice way to concisely say "the due's that I've paid, the road's that I've traveled"...etc etc..and a great way to promote a change in perspective, i.e. an embracement of her instead of a shun of her.
(It tensed my spine)
Yet I despised the times,
They imbibed to resign
My mind’s growing ire
again, with the conflict...
(So inspired…)
…By your whole entire
Sewn design I
Scoped each honed focused fibre;
My own empire -
Worship, before I hope…desired,
To make you moan…respire
Heavily, steadily petting ev-er-y
Ebony thread,
Upon your heavenly head
men...lol...you guys are a trip...so predictable to take your affection and move it into the physical realm. I loved the words "respire" and "petting"
(No muse, music acapella instead)
Over no beat, I flowed sweet
Nothings to the cold breeze,
Skulking over your new…
home - we WERE so free,
At whole ease, yo
No need to soul seek.
and the downfall...dun dun dunnnnn...simple language in this stanza but effective...wasn't super pleased with the "yo"...but perhaps you've got that poetic street steez by nature, in which case...it's excused.
But now…
…I’m a worthless fixture,
To your perfect picture
Of stoned peace.
All I do is blow trees,
Hoping to find you,
Then stay frozen,
In my false dreams.
self-loathing. it's always the product of either a love failed or unrequited love. I love the continuity of your imagery here with the words "fixture", "stoned", and "frozen"
Over all, this was a nice little drop. The content is a bit played, but you played with it creatively, which I appreciate. Your rhyme schemes were fluid and relatively organic. There was a moment, with the "sap room" where I was like "nahhhhh, dude just threw that in for the sake of the scheme"...but, the word sap is indicative of a live force oozing out of something...so, it makes sense in my mind.
cool drop.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Tool
