Crown Me King!!

[Fourloko]

this took weeks to finish this...
so I hope I get good feed back...
If NOT!! then its back to the Lab Again!!!...

ENJOY!!!

im on a quest for the earth!! Devils emerge, Hell is my Turf!!!...
I plan to rise my own self!!... N fucking melt this world...
see me in the depths of volcanos, plotting with Lucifer!!...
“battles will rage soon”!! possible nukes occur!!...
and leave his Godliness abused N Hurt!!.. ill be “laughing” when i bomb angels!!... this animosity's new to worlds like the ones the “Catholics Pray To”!!...
i "Smack all these fake fools"!! the Demons, Im sendin will breach into heaven..
and extint, all the fellons who believe they can relish N leave earth Protected!!...
well, I defeat them in secons!! Leave “HYM”(God) A Message...
and eat the intestines from the leaving Dead Ones!!...
you Believe this messed up?? the church is breathless N Alarming...
fuck getting Dress Up!!? just tells earth to ready its Armies!!...
while I stay “Busy” Burning heaven,
my first intention to con curing the World u infested W/ Heartbeats!!...
the War in the clouds is sorted all out...
while “Satan's Army” finishes Angels, you can catch me Drawin Tek's Out!!...
“Blazin Gandhi” n Blistering saints Till they Gone W Heads Slouched!!...
leaving shit flipped backwards like some Dogs when the Vet Growls!!...
this shits all Sadistic!! the Universe has gone Balistic!!...
GOD'S LEFT??.. fuck it, i'll take em MY SELF!!,
I arm my Engines all Ficious and fuck em like a CLITORIS!!...
as well as the Ministers!! I demolish all Religious Ignorance!!...
My guns dont hault!! this Gods busy Throwin thunderbolts!!...
but no “Fear” I grab the old man by his “Beard”...
put the Pump to his cheek N blow his fucking dome up so far beyond,
u cant even see it in ur own DREAM!!...
now that God is Useless, the prayers of You Kids looks pretty fucking Stupid!!...
its Raining gods brain on saturn,
yet Remains of angels scatter to 'Protect' the Humans!!...
while im still Breaking Remains of Matter from God, the shit sounds like Music!!...
Then I Looked and “Turn To Jesus”..
he looks upon my face, scared, he takes the position of a “Unbirth Fetus”!!...
i pull the Glock to his cheek as he Washes My Feet,
until I Pop Off N See as he “Bursts Into Pieces”...
FUCK THE DUMBNESS!! I “Blind Minds” like the ones of Nostradomus...
...till “Einstein” approached me and said “Your A Genius”!!...
Marching Foward's Satanic Larges Swarm Of Antics!!...
take Charge Towards The Freaking Planet...
crushing Down Towers!! to the Peasants, Who Pray For A God With Flowers!!...
I Merge!! Tanks N Choppers, I Raise my Arms,
Burst the Blaze of Star-Worth “Showers” that'll Take These Armoured “Cowards”!!... leave the Brain of monster “Devoured” as I Rage throu Collages of “Power” Like a Virgin In A Sex Shop!!...
Fucking Angles Rose From Dead Spots!! but im still Busting Halos like a Broken XBOX!!...
Soldiers Get Bombed!!!,
Portions of Corpses Are Dropped from the Swords Forcin throu Ocks!!...
time for the humans is Quick Gone.. “Tic-Toc”..,
killin masses of Soldiers like a Monster of C.O.D campin in Glitch Spot!!...
Thousand bleeds and Countless Deceased!!! this Earth's Engulfed with Flames...
I "Rise from the Ashes"!! Turn to the Molted Brains and the "Spines of the Faggets" who "Tried to Attack Me"!!......Bitch!! Now CROWN ME KING!!!!!.......

[Fourloko]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...969/index.html

[Fourloko]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...329/index.html

[Fourloko]

13 views and no feed back WTF??....

[Skepto]

Honestly dude this has potential but your structure makes it hard to read for some reason i cant point it all out but for some reason i end up on lines where shit no longer rhymes or makes no sense at all and i dont wanna be the one to leave the only feed and not have it be a good one but its all in the eye of the reader or listener ya dig honestly though good concept and in some places i found some dope parts just dont scrap it take it "back to the lab" and fix some shit on it and you should be golden

[Fourloko]

you know what you absoloutly right because when i wrote it... it was more like this writing it straight across because i would stop a place in my topic then i be stuck for mad long i leave come back but i kept writting it like this... no enter key no rhyming a syllabus or noting just focusing on the topic to be a real good like motion picture in your head... ummm... i guess i messed up there big time???

anyone can help me with good pointer and all please feel free to critique so i can elevate my next drop which is almost done already...

and its simmilure to this...

[Skepto]

If your writing a "DEEP" piece or something that you are working hard on you just cant jump back into it atleast i cant i have to find the same mindstate i entered with and to keep the structure from getting so fucked up and you from getting lost in your topic make sure to read from the beginning so you can remember the flow that should help out quite a bit if you already do that then sorry i have no more advice for you

[Endeva.]

ok...

see me in the depths of volcanos, plotting with Lucifer!!...
“battles will rage soon”!! possible nukes occur!!...
^^
would have fit better if youd wrote possibly nuclear
well, in my opinion

ther seemed to be alot of forced lines, stretched out... the syllable count is all over the place, its alot easier to follow if your bars are even'ish when doing text based verses

short reply, but im lazy lmao

[Fourloko]

thanks for the feed back up'in for more feed back...

[Aco_KK]

Just a quick question, whats up with all the ellipses? Are they part of the actual rap or is it just there?

Anyway

Portions of Corpses Are Dropped from the Swords Forcin throu Ocks!!...
time for the humans is Quick Gone.. “Tic-Toc”..,
killin masses of Soldiers like a Monster of C.O.D campin in Glitch Spot!!...

Instead of the portions of corpses are dropped

You could say like

The clouds in the sky are daggered by God;
the swords have sliced and diced through the cadavers;
it's a downpour of limbs mixed with God's Daggers
Time is ticking, but it's all in fastforward...

I just don't feel that COD thing...I dunno if you're meant to take the piss out of it or not.

But if you're not you gotta stay serious and not reference COD. But then again i guess its good considering its part of todays pop-culture.

[Genocide]

had a good idea here. just didnt capture it well. good vocab, good rhymes here and there as far as syllable matching.. concepts were nicely abstract. just wish you held it down more like a story.. felt scattered and random for me. dont know why it took weeks to complete? lol

[Fourloko]

had a good idea here. just didnt capture it well. good vocab, good rhymes here and there as far as syllable matching.. concepts were nicely abstract. just wish you held it down more like a story.. felt scattered and random for me. dont know why it took weeks to complete? lol

because it was damn near 25 bars on a topic that wasn't easy to write in like 10 mins im pretty sure you say you can right??...

thanks for the feed back everyone...

[Mime]

http://my16bars.com/contest/24862/We...ontest-22.html

He bit this.. ^ scroll down the page a little..