gross

[artisan.]

I want to write, lose myself in unspoken
annunciations, of Pain and English...
plain anguish-- i want to hurt.

and i do,
in fits, like bile bubbles at the bottom of your throat,
as if each chunk of "i shoulda" knows to have a party
at the base-- of I need to breathe and silence
swallowing what would
have been
tears

a grief uncelebrated

I sit
and sit... there is nothing
pulse heaving under cold fingers and toes-- twitching like an addict
ready

ready

but it does not come.

i want to tell you sorry
like i mean it, like HEY this is my heart and it has something of yours...

(pretending to be busy, too busy to attend life today or yesterday or every month
since you've been gone.
busy with how dare you
leave me, and help...I...I have never been on my own
help! I don't know what to do
flailing--arms like Shiva destroying my ascent into
enlightenment, for one. by many.)

truth ?
I only sleep 4 hours --sun up.
nightmares at 10 a.m.
panic--cold sweats, whole body sobbing.


im sorry. im sorry.








http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...350/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...989/index.html

[spokenoh]

This will be short because I have class, but I'll expand on it later.
I really didn't know what to expect from the title. I was thinking you'd be doing something else with it.
I liked this. I found a lot of it unpolished and a little too forward for my liking, but it holds itself up. The "grief uncelebrated" line was well-placed, as was the parentheses. There's something about your language that isn't consistent. The most glaring example is when you reference Shiva. I would've liked to see you clean some of it up too, capitalize 'I', etc.
Okay. I just read your reply and I think you misinterpreted. I'm not trying to harsh by any means - you should check out some of my older replies. I see promise in your writing, and was under the general impression this was a little rusty. I can tell you aren't new to poetry just from your feedback/critiques.
Back to what I was saying about your diction. I think if you're going to go for a more confessional angle, you might want to consider reorganizing some of it. Placing the Hindu allusion near the beginning and building off of it from a personal standpoint. Whatever I say is just my take on things, remember; ultimately you decide how and what you write. I think the introduction is a little unstable compared to the rest of it. I think if you had started with "I'm not sorry" or some contradiction to rework into your finale would've made a better impact. I also don't like how some of your word choices, like 'annunciations', make everything else in stanzas seem pale. You also could have added even more emphasis to certain parts (the "HEY. ." line for example) if you had broken it off or organized how you arranged them.
Now that I got that out of the way, I think you could make a closer connection with your title, although I like what you did. You lure the reader into thinking the disgust is aimed at someone else, but in the end, it seems like you are only disgusted by yourself. I really like the physical descriptions too, although I really would love if you expanded on the addict simile.
It's a good poem, but I think it could be better. I'm the same way, however, so I understand when you say you do things on purpose. I would just recommend some changes. I look forward to reading more.

[artisan.]

title makes sense when you think of it as a feeling

I just started writing again after a 2, almost 3 year mute period.

be gentle ...I am a very intense personality and do most thing on purpose, yes I write forward, mostly going for feeling... but it will be interesting to see your pointers. maybe it will help me grow, no one else has managed that for a long while >.>

[obseqious]

interesting peice, i get the concept, and of course it is a difficult thing to be alone, (if this is a reality peice) but if it is, let me say this, the truth is the best key, tell that person, if that person doesnt respond the way you want wait a lil bit, if they dont understand, help them, but most inportantly, not telling them....will only kill yourself...(inside). and if this person id decieced, im sorry, if this person is away- they should come back and if this person left you.....pray about it.... and if you have never been alone, maybe family can help....but i think truth and closure wil set you free
the poem -mets where a little low, i thought they may ahve been a little better, filler i thought was great, def a good read all around, vocab was good,
structure weass a little of for my read style, but i liked it, it was a little different then most. and story line o(or purpose)i thoght was good

[artisan.]

spoken...yes you are right... i get a bit defensive when it comes to my writing but thank you for seeing past it ...I am a confessional poet, but I have this thing that a friend pointed out years ago...that I dont allow myself to get down into the nitty gritty, and I dont know how to break that because frankly it scares the shit out of me.

as far as the Shiva line, I should have expanded more so you could see exactly how it fits and why it belongs right there. you are right. as far as the addict line I should have expanded more but it just scares the shit out of me.

so how does one move past that? stop writing? lol xD i tried...


Obs...that's sweet this situation is about to be over which allows me to write about it. thank you for reading

[Sado]

This was a very good read, i liked the way you conveyed
the concept throughout the stanza's in this pieces, i liked
each simile you used too..keep writing i hope to see more from you.

Please RTF..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...030/index.html

[Bruklor]

"annunciations, of Pain and English...
plain anguish-"

I liked this, (this is the fun part of replying to someone elses idea's, so many opinions). It could just be the hip hop in me that pulled me to this... And I liked how you revisted the (ohhh no, he's going to use the word in poetry section) - flow, again right away.

Oooooh kay, now, while I did really like the line, and felt it might have been the best part of the piece "a grief uncelebrated" - due to the entire thing, and the feeling, and the idea ... Wouldn't that grief be in a way celebrated? It's not really a good celebration, but a celebration none the less. But, that's just how I read it, so anywhoo.


I liked the whole body sobbing, definitely conveyed the idea fairly well.




(pretending to be busy, too busy to attend life today or yesterday or every month ---- I would have stopped it right there. (Again, this is just me), We've kind of got the idea by now, due to what you said right before this. And I like this, up until the "since you've been gone". And, I don't want to say this, but those words are extremely hard to use... considering well, how often they are used.

Just my view.

P.S. Don't jump.

[artisan.]

Thank you for all your pointers...

but how did this make you feel?

im much more interested in that....

[Bruklor]

Like a shower?