Wk1/ Witness vs. Da Punisher

[Born To Kill]

Ok, Gentlemen...

To remind...it goes like this...

Check in by Wednesday...or YOU LOSE! No exceptions...
At the time of check in drop the topic you wanna write about...
It can be about anything...this shit is about you, the person, you the writer...
What you have inside you that you wanna get out in written word.
Be it your shitty week, the story of you and your girl...
Your inner-most hatred, your ultimate adventure...
Whatever.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU LET YOUR TOPIC BE KNOWN AT TIME OF CHECK IN.
This is to reduce the chances of you waiting until the last minute...
Then posting up an old piece you wrote 3 years ago.
I REALLY hope you don't do shit like that...please write fresh, aight!

Maximum 36 lines...if you drop more, your opponent can request a DQ...
AND HE'LL GET IT! Please keep these verses fairly quick and easy to read.
That'll keep votes and interest going!

Due Friday, Midnight.

That's all, I guess...please tear this shit up!!!

Peace and good luck!!!
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[Witty]

Guess who's back?

lol check and goodluck man

my topic is 'Chasing After Duckies'

[Da Punisher]

Well this do this man!!!!!!!

check....and good luck fam.

my topic...is "Just one more step"

[Da Punisher]

Just

One More

Step

This story is about an angel that was in heaven but now God set him to hell and trying to escape:

The sun a rose in with a feeling of disparity that was accompanied by the devil's charity
That’s why I felt the severity run through my veins & I didn’t feel any clarity
My elders told me to pace myself and maneuver over the devil’s sin trap
This scorching setting is hard to travel on without the proper lighting or map
God spoke to me “The best stepping ground is only in my Kingdom”
His wisdom is the only chance out of this hell & go back to heaven’s freedom
This floor in hell has a deep illusion without any signs of my foot prints
Without any hints my pace of running quickly change into a rapid sprint
The pyramid of death set in the center of the darkness harsh surrounding
I move with fear & compounding all the sounds of dead heart beats pounding
So stepping with pride of the sense of being unsure were my sprit is flying to
The next view was a disaster of the death of falling angels that the devil had chewed
I saw the light to the stairs of death that transformer & cantaloupe my sprit into the sky
I look low & high before my eyes made my body run up the stairs & my access was deny
My feet started to crumble into the pit were the prince of darkness loves to feast
I stumble to make another attempt & push out & dodge the mouth of the sinful beast
I felt weak as the agony of pain a rose quicker then the sun & my foot speed decrease
Damn I thought as I rest my head on top of the stairs where the light was slightly prep
As I thought when the devil close the door in my face…

I should made

one more

step

[Witty]

The pond shimmers, sunlight reflecting the sky above
a sign of love, as much beauty as the flight of doves
those were the days, when life was a gift
the past was a present, who would have known...
....such delight could exist?
Never ill, no pain, can't feel the cold rain
what on earth's a pill?.....
.....never heard of codeine....
life was a laugh, I can't imagine such fun
I toddle along the path, as the ducks run

Waking from my daydream, I see today's 'gleam'
of recycled sunlight, struggling a faint beam
through my curtains, and even the haze seems
to infect every being with it's gray stream
I get out of my bed, trying my best...
...to get this shit out of my head...
childhood is dead....

Is this reality?


I scream inside, I may seem like I gleam with pride
I'm just tryna escape from the soul,
in which my demons hide
screaming blind hate, got me feeling blind rage
in my state, I want to increase the crime rate
I take a picture of my family, holding it tight
overflowing with fright, they're my foes
they're my blight, so I glow with delight
as it smolders, oh what a sight!
Mommy couldn't handle me, step dad laid a hand on me
I had to decide, there and then, what it had to be
because alchohol has deceived my whole family
my bro's mad at me, because I hold sanity
instead of standing static, always promising
to start planning 'B'
such profanities, all being thrown candidly
life is a task, tryna fight with these prats
single handedly
my heart shatters to pieces, I'll batter your thesis
I get to work on my art, just plaster these creases
My smile is deceiving, a mask of diseases
a jigsaw, tryna put together the last of these pieces
Life asks questions that I can't answer, so
I'll drift off to sleep, I have to go....

because sleep holds a promise, a pact..or a bond
I just, close my eyes, and I'm
chasing after duckies, back at that pond

[Morbid Dream]

One more Step: DP..

I saw the light to the stairs of death that transformer & cantaloupe my sprit into the sky

I think you meant catapult?.

This verse was forced. I reckon u been missing too many English classes. Your vocab was wrong[ that always kills flow]. Your word placement was faulty. The content felt like a dodgy attempt at some biblical story...merged with fantasy or something. Yor effort was good and there were things which you did well like the vocab which u used was good only it was applied wrong. Nice route for trial and error.


VS

My old adversary. Sup buddy?
'Chasing After Duckies': The Witness

Favourite lines

Life asks questions that I can't answer, so
I'll drift off to sleep, because I have to go....

because sleep holds a promise, a pact..or a bond
I just, close my eyes, and I'm
chasing after duckies, back at that pond

Always a good job with word selection.

Waking from my daydream, I see today's 'gleam'
of recycled sunlight, struggling a faint beam
through my curtains, and even the haze seems
to infect every being with it's gray stream
I get out of my bed, trying my best...
...to get this shit out of my head...
childhood is dead....

Is this reality?

I liked this stanza..

I also liked the transition from carefree kid to pressured student and abused family member. then the escape from reality to day dreaming

It did seem like you didnt put much effort. It was far from your better work and it didnt flow aswell either.

I could feel the emotion throughout each stage. Better skilled and an easy win for you

V/Witness

[P. Mortuus]

Da Punisher: Hmmm...seems very novice like man..the quicker you learn to not use unnatural words the better... I mean i have done that before and ultimately it takes away from the piece. Furthermore, you need to shorten your lines instead of making the font size smaller man. Flow could have been better to. Nice try, take your mistakes into account and improve upon them man.

Wit: This was an average piece from you man, not upto your own standards but not bad by any means. Overall, it was aight, the concept was good enough to warrant a piece and was interesting enough to make me read it all. I liked what you did with the main character as well. However, I hope this was piece you didn't spend to much time on because if you did then you must be rusty man.
Aight work, enough to win the battle.

\/ Wit.

[Broly]

Punisher- shorten your lines alot, and re-read your verse a couple times to bulletproof the mistakes in them, try to stay away from most unusual words,
flow could've been alot better, and the rhymescheme was ok, at an average level, keep writing though, and you'll elevate

Witness- hmm, from what i've seen from you before this piece was average, but it wasn't bad at all, the concept was nice and so was the flow and the rhymescheme, but it seems you are a bit rusty, but it will soon shake off.

V. witness, for having a better written verse

[Born To Kill]

Witness WINS, 1-0

Da Punisher LOSES, 0-1

Good shit, gentlemen!!!