Verbal Insanity + Benette. (Fallen hearts)

[Poeta Demonio]

Hearts fallen.
(Verbal)
To My first love…

You’re my light in my life, bright shining like- perilous candlelight…
Now In the mist of our love, distant, used to be solid, now inconsistent…
Listen, when I tell you I love, before I go on, please read carefully…
And try to stay strong… All I want to let you know is…
That I’ve loved you all along.

Baby we been through so much, thought we’d never ever part…
But this thing manifesting inside of me is tearing at my heart…
Like a knife cutting deep, flesh meta-phorically is killing me…
Literally, it’s almost like your once great love for me is pain…
Like the sun in the mist, the beads they drip, my eyes begin to rain…
Tears from my heart as I write this letter to you… I always loved ya…
So close you could’ve almost been my brother, But as late its different…
Just like the seasons, the time is shifting, your distant, zero persistence…
So tell me, do you love or was it all a dream ?
Behind-my sedative smile, your can hear the faint silent silent screams.

You treat my like I’m just a pearl in your collection, neglected…
To realise the pain that lies-deep inside- my tourured mind…
I just can’t seem to find, the reason for our love to survive…
Remain alive… the residual hate that now makes our relationship irate…
We can’t even make love anymore… it’s feels more like rape…re-create…
These past few years in my minds eye… I do you love you… but as friend…
So I apologise, but it’s time to whisper our goodbye.
I never meant to hurt you… I just can’t hid this emotional break down anymore…
Fighting and arguing, before, I’ve even reached the front door… talking to you…
Is like a treaty, I’m always on the ready for war.

Just remember me and the love that was, I never meant for any of the to happen…
I only ever had the best intentions for you, as the curtain falls I hear the audience…
Clapping… Please keep contact I would love to keep you as a dear friend…
So really it’s just the intimacy that’s nearing it’s end.

I love you… fare well darling.

-Jenny.

(Benette)
I remember when this girl was moaning my name,
but now all im feelin is this eternal pain,
i gave her everything but wanted love in exchange,
but now she's gone its not the same,
i reminise when we met in the school hallway,
we got talkin and 3 days later i was fuckin her sideways,
i was like a calendar cuz i new what i was doin on fridays,
i love every thing about her from her head to her feet,
i could please her needs,and make her knees weak,
muther fucker i know we had our differences but who dont,
i thought nothing would come between us not even distances wont,
but i geuss somethin else possesed you to write that note,
all these emotions are hitting me even though it sounds kinda lame,
but i never felt like this baby girl you fuckin up my brain,
with out you i would go past crazt into insane,
just tell me whats up i swear i can change,
but please stop layin with me stop playin mind games,
please dont tell me its another man cuz ur brakin my heart,
we can work through our differences till death do us dnt part,
you mean the world to me you fullfill my dreams,
not jus personality your the best lookin girl i ever seen,
i know i get paroniod sometimes,but,
i cant help but think u and other guys and stuff,
just tell me because your hurting me inside,
but if you rewind,time you will find,
that all the stuff wasnt a big of deal i lied,
at,so that all our chemistry we had will never change,
becuase baby girl all this shit is givin me internal pain,

[Poeta Demonio]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270711
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270713
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270382

[Ecanus]

You need links.

[Poeta Demonio]

Feed would be much apreciated.

[Poeta Demonio]

Feed?

[Poeta Demonio]

Excuse me Rb... feed ?

[Poeta Demonio]

Damn... feeeeeedddddd ???????

[da king01]

Hmmm ok,verbal ur part was deep and enjoyable to read,you used good metaphors,u can tell a good story,and u grab the audiences attention by using complex words,this can sumtimes be a downfall for some people but you pulled it off,it wasn't too complex,just perfect to read and i felt it really came from your heart.

benette your verse was basic comapred to verbals,it did have a few catchy lines but ur lines wer too short or too long,which made ur structure fall too peices.you also talked too much about sex,i feel that this was meant to be a romantic drop but u talked too much about 'fucking' her like when you said 'we got talkin and 3 days later i was fuckin her sideways,
i was like a calendar cuz i new what i was doin on fridays,'
u have good lyrics but in this verse u just didn't show it in the right places,u need a bit more multies and betta structure,but it was good lyric wise and you could probably succeed in making dope OM'S in the future,but i just think u kinda misinterpreted the topic on this one

overall-8.5/10

[Poeta Demonio]

Thank you... upping for more feed.

[Ecanus]

Hearts fallen.
(Verbal)
To My first love…

You’re my light in my life, bright shining like- perilous candlelight…
Now In the mist of our love, distant, used to be solid, now inconsistent…
Listen, when I tell you I love, before I go on, please read carefully…
And try to stay strong… All I want to let you know is…
That I’ve loved you all along.

Baby we been through so much, thought we’d never ever part…
But this thing manifesting inside of me is tearing at my heart…
Like a knife cutting deep, flesh meta-phorically is killing me…
Literally, it’s almost like your once great love for me is pain…
Like the sun in the mist, the beads they drip, my eyes begin to rain…
Tears from my heart as I write this letter to you… I always loved ya…
So close you could’ve almost been my brother, But as late its different…
Just like the seasons, the time is shifting, your distant, zero persistence…
So tell me, do you love or was it all a dream ?
Behind-my sedative smile, your can hear the faint silent silent screams.

You treat my like I’m just a pearl in your collection, neglected…
To realise the pain that lies-deep inside- my tourured mind…
I just can’t seem to find, the reason for our love to survive…
Remain alive… the residual hate that now makes our relationship irate…
We can’t even make love anymore… it’s feels more like rape…re-create…
These past few years in my minds eye… I do you love you… but as friend…
So I apologise, but it’s time to whisper our goodbye.
I never meant to hurt you… I just can’t hid this emotional break down anymore…
Fighting and arguing, before, I’ve even reached the front door… talking to you…
Is like a treaty, I’m always on the ready for war.

Just remember me and the love that was, I never meant for any of the to happen…
I only ever had the best intentions for you, as the curtain falls I hear the audience…
Clapping… Please keep contact I would love to keep you as a dear friend…
So really it’s just the intimacy that’s nearing it’s end.

I love you… fare well darling.

-Jenny.

(Benette)
I remember when this girl was moaning my name,
but now all im feelin is this eternal pain,
i gave her everything but wanted love in exchange,
but now she's gone its not the same,
i reminise when we met in the school hallway,
we got talkin and 3 days later i was fuckin her sideways,
i was like a calendar cuz i new what i was doin on fridays,
i love every thing about her from her head to her feet,
i could please her needs,and make her knees weak,
muther fucker i know we had our differences but who dont,
i thought nothing would come between us not even distances wont,
but i geuss somethin else possesed you to write that note,
all these emotions are hitting me even though it sounds kinda lame,
but i never felt like this baby girl you fuckin up my brain,
with out you i would go past crazt into insane,
just tell me whats up i swear i can change,
but please stop layin with me stop playin mind games,
please dont tell me its another man cuz ur brakin my heart,
we can work through our differences till death do us dnt part,
you mean the world to me you fullfill my dreams,
not jus personality your the best lookin girl i ever seen,
i know i get paroniod sometimes,but,
i cant help but think u and other guys and stuff,
just tell me because your hurting me inside,
but if you rewind,time you will find,
that all the stuff wasnt a big of deal i lied,
at,so that all our chemistry we had will never change,
becuase baby girl all this shit is givin me internal pain,

Ok, VI, i really misunderstand why you persist to use this line structure in every piece you do.

Seriously, the only bad thing about your pieces if the most is that you keep including random rhymes that totally throw your pieces structure away.

For example;

We can’t even make love anymore… it’s feels more like rape…re-create…

Why? Re-create what? Any reason for the random punctuation?

Another thing, you use the most struggling rhymes you can. I can't comprehend why making love would feel like rape, when in actuality it's just that the people involved (apparently) don't love eachother anymore.
I assume you only used 'rape' because you could then add 're-create' to the end. Which again, furthers the non-sense of it.

Even more so, you also include countless times where you will rhyme twice one line, twice the next (1, 1, 2, 2 structure) and then almost without warning, or even mid 'bar' you will switch to the standard structure (1, 2, 1, 2)

This in simple makes your verses weak and mildly frustrating to read. On a better note, if you DID greatly improve your rhyming, your vocabulary would be good to say the least. Maybe your imagery needs a little work on, but im sure you have the talent locked away somewhere to create a good emotional piece. You just need to realise that using rhymes such as;

Like a knife cutting deep, flesh meta-phorically is killing me…
Literally, it’s almost like your once great love for me is pain…

Does NOT give a good visual idea of somebody in an emotional state. 'meta-phorically', 'killing me' and 'literally' are no doubt only placed to make your piece seem like you have an amazing rhyme going on. But you have to be consistant with that rhyme-scheme throughout a larger amount of the piece for it to even be registered with a reader. Not to mention, i'm quite sure you didn't place them there because they have a great value towards the topic? Because as you probably know - they don't. Thats the major mistake you make in your topical pieces. Your choice of words, and your rhyme schemes are definitely something to work on.

Keep going.

[J.Christ]

Literally, it’s almost like your once great love for me is pain…
Like the sun in the mist, the beads they drip, my eyes begin to rain…

Nice metaphor , i guess.

I didn't really get a good visual though. and are you cheating on josie?
Jenny send pics a.s.a.p.
Bennette not shit j/p, anyways Good thread but i kind of got bored on Bennettes verse, but i understand some viewpoints you are getting at. Image like i said i didn't really get a good structure of it .
But all in all the drop was ok.


and lol@ the 15 yr old giving knowledge, these kids grow fast nowadays .

[Poeta Demonio]

Upping.

[bennett]

uppin thanks for the bit of feed lol................