Demon's Deed

[Thrust]

shall i proceed
with the demon's deed in my wrath
it belittles me
another burdon walks my path
how i could ever last
my heart strives but weakness disagrees
some assistance sir, please
i'm broken sheltered in a body cast

an outcast in all reality
treated fair but actually
i'd never dare
another day to be spared
holes in my underwear
though whole on the outside
my franticness roams about
drifting far back into my past life
with some matches and a flashlight
a glimpse of a glare catches sight
until today, becomes tonight
dispite what's right
i continue on my deadly desires
tunes of a mellowing melody
relieves my suffring
as i am slave in the devil's empire
spitting some sin fire
the words of evil discharge my mouth
i'm like a human puppet
controlled by satan himself
so here i am now
present but i'm not seen by the naked eye
i'm just some ghostly figure
loved ones don't notice and pass by
i'm unreconized
my entire identity is overtaken
get my head out of this 6 feet of dirt
may heaven be the place
where i'm cleansed from hurt
though it's not where i'll end
plagued with the demon's deed again

shall i proceed
with the demon's deed in my wrath
it belittles me
another burdon walks my path
how i could ever last
my heart strives but weakness disagrees
some assistance sir, please
i'm broken sheltered in a body cast

[The Vortex]

pretty cool piece

quite a dramatic journey of a story

nice freeflow

pz

[Thrust]

^cam?

[Prince Escobar]

it did have a nice "take you on a journey" feel to it but this line caught me..."present but i'm not seen by the naked eye
i'm just some ghostly figure
loved ones don't notice and pass by
i'm unreconized
my entire identity is overtaken
get my head out of this 6 feet of dirt"
I assumed at first you meant the "ghostly" part figuratively and that he felt possessed and was unrecognizable due to the evil that was shown in him, but then i thought you meant he was literally dead, which loses edge on the creativity and meaning but opens up a different realm and a new POV. that one part i think is what i found most perplexing about the piece, i didnt really like seemingly jumbled use of rhyme, this one def shouldnt have flowed likea regular poem but i still think that the pace you set should have been either more arbitrarily hectic or my precisely rhythmic, either way i enjoyed the read but i felt it was cut off, the repeating of the beggining at the end, should have served to put things into perspective but to me it felt unneccessary. Regardless i know you are capable of very quality work and though i didnt really like this i'll remain a "fan" stay up, Kerr, 1luv.

[Thrust]

^always appreciated.

[DeepNess07]

That was a nice flow I gotta say, very dramatic

[Britt]

A deep dramatic piece. The words moved along a secret agnony which made into a great flow of words. Your vocabulary was basic while emotion was your narrators greatest touch on the drop. At times it just seemed uncertain ramble but other then that the lines were short ans to the point. No bullshit, (lol) kinda of like the title if you think about it. Overall it wasnt as complex as maybe it should of been but I enjoyed it nonetheless for its unsettle Composure. Nicely written.
(6/10)

[Thrust]

up.

[Neruda II]

Strong piece man, emotional, full of loathing, hate, but not quite.

I liked the beginning, very mysterious, it gives you the desire to read on. Very good opening. I like the fact that you didn't overcomplicate the vocabulary, very simple worded poem but brutally realistic. You explained the characteristics of the character with such realism, detail, and emotion. Strong. What really caught me off gaurd was the rhyme scheme, it's fits in seamlessly, it doesn't take anything away from the message or from the emotion. A very good story, strong emotion, a brutal passion, everything was on point. Another great poem from you, I'd expect nothing less.