Originally Posted by
Soule
I have this dream every night where I'm swimming through the sea,
nothing around me, just swimming through the deep.
I don't come up for air, honestly, I don't care to breathe,
just swimming aimlessly through pacific waters, darkness beneath.
I wake up depressed, like life has no sense of direction,
everyday blends together, auto pilot with no need for correction.
I've got these memories, their my most precious collection,
when life was magical, and joy was a widespread selection.
I struggle with depression, there's voices in my head,
they say I'm not good enough, screaming until I'm stressed,
pulling me apart at work like I'm not already over stretched.
By the time I lay in bed, I feel like I've barely anything left.
Do you know what it's like to constantly be at war with yourself?
To know you need someone but too much pride to ask for help?
I'm a man, I was forced to believe I can do it on my own,
and now I'm drowning and feel like I'm fighting all alone.
So many things I need to change but I can't seem to budge,
like I'm stuck in the mud, too angry to accept another's love.
Do I deserve to smile when I don't even feel good enough?
When all I want to do is leap from the patio and choke on my blood?
Everyday I wake up, a sigh of grief that I didn't die in my sleep,
and I try to believe it'll get better but I've never seen a sign of peace.
I'm tired, I'm weak... I can't even admire the glee my children release.
I've a dire need for a fire to free me from this desolate empire I've seized.
I can't laugh anymore, I can't enjoy life anymore,
I drown in this storm that's always flooding my core.
I can barely walk, I can barely talk, I've nothing stored,
I can barely reach my hand up just to open the door.
I lie on the floor, hoping the boards will cave in,
succumbing to sorrow and hatred, and I fucking hate it!
I promise my family it'll be fine, but why did I make it?
Knowing damn well when it's my time, they'll be better off by the day's end.
It hurts me to say it, but I've never felt like I deserved you,
my friends, my family, anybody who tried to squirm through
the obstacles I setup and walls that surround my heart to
protect myself from MYSELF when others just wanted somebody to talk to...
I'm a mess, I always have been, every breath filled with absence,
what is left? If not ashes. Every step goes towards the last cliff.
I'm depressed, where's the matches? Find me dead on this mattress.
If you cry at my funeral, it'll be beautiful, here's an Oscar for best actor and actress.