A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

You guys knew I was up and took the opportunity to try to trick me away from my own family and blood... I been me my entire life so I know when I’m not.

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As far as the other abusive shit on my body in religion at that they were just some dumb play ass weddings even though I barely remember the first and definitely not the 2nd... you really sitting there trying to demand that’s Bible? EVERYONE leave me the fuck alone for real. It’s not my breed it’s not my nature I can’t even fucking sleep. 8 mother fucking long god damn years - no you don’t have a clue what that’s like... I’m going to sleep

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They said they would stop if I went to the dumb ass bitches that did all this to even begin with. NO! They went WAYYYY too far and not getting away with this either!

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I want peace and comfort in my own body

[A Disciple]

I’m not sorry I came here to write... I’m just sorry I publicly bugged out and humiliated myself again especially with their false extra... nobody on this earth going to tell me my religion and I want them bitches the hell up off me! I want to be and feel like myself. Final answer... Like... I just wanted to talk because I can’t sleep because I have people on me I didn’t even invite. MY god wouldn’t hurt me or abuse me for fact and cause you on my body doesn’t make you my god it makes you creepy and arrogant. Get off me!

It feels like they’re 20 factors here and I only wanna deal with and comprehend like 1 of them.

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Like as soon as I even start to talk here they all come in right after like it’s some joke. Everybody hate me like fine but I was my best to all of you all.

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Nah like that dumb bitch can’t admit to some dumb shit so she put it on my family and that makes it horrible shit. Like you can’t even admit to a petty almost what ever oops so you expect to make me look sick for you? Like the weird shit behind all this that you were steady doing too. You don’t want to leave or leave me alone then my wish is they run thru all your skeletons... at least you wouldn’t be used as some shield glitching off of where did that come from or why you say that. Yes still I’m the one in hell with a nightmare beyond comprehension even in my own body. I didn’t even have to be this sick... why?

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No you’re not... you’re not going to force me against my will to go to or help my old friends and you not going to try to force me against my will to men I don’t even want or am attracted to.

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I’m fine alone... I would love to be able to enjoy sex again though. Or get peace and comfort in my own body again... or fall asleep without being pinned or tapped and at least know who that is. I’m talking so I’m crazy? Nah I’m talking because I’m tired of getting my ass kicked in THEIR world. I just want to go back to mine minus the block they put on my families. My gma thinks this my dream when it don’t even come any sicker or worse.

[A Disciple]

And being insane where I’m already in psychosis and have a hard time telling if I’m even dead or alive makes it worse. Because it feels like god himself hate you too! MY god wouldn’t do this to me or tell me to go there... IVE BEEN THRU ENOUGH!!!

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Just to be like I got it anyway??? Why would you even do that to me to begin with? You’re mad? This a joke? This your get back? NOBODY owns me I’m not even married and nobody was protecting me either. My brother back around THANK GOD. Cause most days I don’t even know who I am anymore!!!! That wasn’t my cat that peed on my bed either and nah I’m not changing myself or who I am to play switch a bitch either.

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So 2 dope heads and 3 accused or alleged sex offenders... that shit a joke you saying that’s my level? I want to be at my best and not my worst and this is definitely not it... I’m sick as hell!

[Candy]

good match on the ppv..

thanks for vs me

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Nah... it's not like that at all. My closest to a besty I have now says my emotions are physical - so yesterday I threw up like between 10-20 times but nothing came up. I call it gagging. In bed, trying to watch tv to get my mind off the shit while getting it "pulled" out or to a level where I didn't feel sick, tense, stress, and pain in my own body type shit. It was an exceptionally hard day... but today was much better so far.

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I get so tense that it hurts to even touch my skin some times... and other times I feel so gross if someone touches me I cringe. Mental illness and PTSD a bitch for real... I'm just trying to maintain and not turn into an addict or take on those tendencies now for real. It's why I stopped drinking too. THAT and my father drank himself to death LITERALLY.

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I owe this weeks mental and physcial hell to the creeper that thought it would be cute to remote control my computer again. Probably mad that I didn't feed into it and read the files he or she uploaded to my google drive.

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I'm not engaging, feeding into it, or harboring ANYTHING until I understand what the fuck is even going on. Stalikng has ALWAYS been a sickness that creeps me out. I mean one time me and my friend J hopped in the woods with her nephews spy equipment because our boyfriends lived on the same street. We didn't see shit and when we came out the woods my ex was leaning up against my car and I screamed. It was funny and a joke. I mean thats WAY different than a level like this and I still don't know who hurt me so like nah creeper... for real. Back up off me and come to my eye when I'm awake if you want some attention. And to be honest I don't even know if I can still throw this sick.

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Am I supposed to post my open mics here too or did I just misplace that verse?

sorry to hear about your father

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Sex therapy tonight... made some break thrus but it’s impossible to have sex feeling like 10 different bitches... especially wack ones and like they’re literally dictating and demanding everything even my dreams are off again Like idgaf I been thru enough... it feel like some sick perve trying to keep my shit on tap or just refuse to understand we not a match. I’m getting my ass kicked every day and tired as fuck for real. And they jumping too... and sorry but I’m just going to say it!!! Until someone helps and makes it stop I just have to keep talking cause it’s been 8 years now.

you do sex therapy - dope..

maybe the he/she that changed my accomplishments to being your partner was trying to get you laid help you out not harass you..

whats your opinion does it help you with your sex or self sex life having that accomplishment there if it doesnt il ask to get it removed..

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My brother up early as fuck today... it makes me feel a little better but he’s still not getting a clear line either

its cool your brothers around for you, my two sisters came up and visited last weekend.. we got to eat pork rolls with apple sauce yum and they went shopping and bought so much second hand stuff.. it was dope

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what did you use to drink when you use to drink..

i got pinacolatos in the fridge with some whiskey still left over.. but im thinking of just downing the few energy drinks i got left.. im addicted to those thing i know they bad for you and everybody keeps telling me that but i love em anyways

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well said = I’m tired of getting my ass kicked in THEIR world.

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i hope you get some well needed sleep and have sweet dreams lil lady - il see you on the flip side

[A Disciple]

No you don’t understand all the safe and no safe and no and this time I was fucking sure and he showed me that pic... THATS why I’m so sick again

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Lord I was crying to god in the shower cause I could hardly wash my own vagina... not much has changed to be completely transparent

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E&J or southern comfort mostly... Jenny too expensive for me these past 8 years

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Thanks Candy... even my dreams are way backwards

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And thanks for talking to me too... but I find out your the creeper and I’m going ballistic ) but I’ll try to trust

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Oh I like 99 bananas

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I can’t sleep like them because I’m not them... I’ll be delusion but they are too

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Get off me maggot... let me find out for real and I’m DEAD serious

[Candy]

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Lord I was crying to god in the shower cause I could hardly wash my own vagina... not much has changed to be completely transparent

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you can use guides - its says that im your boyfriend on this page so its ok under gods eye.. by picturing its my/someone elses hand i read it in some spiritual books to counter act the thought of struggle it balance between two people like a married couple.. it doesnt have to be sexual its just an option if you get to that level.. but on a day to day basis it one person hand in thought guides the other persons hand where to go.. its suppose to be warm and calming..

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southern comfort rocks i might buy some cans in the coming months

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no problem you seem like a cool girl so i hate to see cool people have bad times.. i wish all the best with your dreams and future life xoxo

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And thanks for talking to me too... but I find out your the creeper and I’m going ballistic ) but I’ll try to trust

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thats ok ill back off if you want you just seemed like you had alot to talk about and i like talking - i got to admit at first i was just hangen around for the ppv but you drop some dope pieces and are full of life so i stayed for the interest - il let you know if you are creepy so far not creepy at all..

this is a dope track about trust..



i got nothing but love for you but yeh i expect you to neuter me if i turn out to be a bad guy in your world lol xoxo

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Oh I like 99 bananas

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i got 99 problems but being a bitch to you aint one

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as far as your sleeping try having a clock, or sleeping with the light on.. maybe even a teddy bear i got a hungry caterpillar one.. or there is even music some old school classical is dope.. but in the end your right you can only sleep how it makes you feel not like other people..

im just going to hop in the spa

[A Disciple]

Nah but I'm not with all that spiritual creepy shit... Just not my zone... you know? But I have spoke to people during before but not like that. I just remember having sex once and saying nothing to someone. But all THIS? Hell no... if I'm having sex I want to be with my self and the person I am with. I've never been with more than 1 person before and don't want to have to be. It just feels like they throwing sick shit to block shit and it's not my karma and I don't deserve it. I can't see it being a residual from the assualt cause I was fine before. And fine but depending who I am with. And the ones I am fine with I know for a fact we not a match either. I believe they're using it to manipulate.

I appreciate you talking SO much cause really spitting all this shit out can be humiliating. I'm glad it's under one thread now and we can just delete it all.

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I heard some of the song but it's not really my style. My nephew is real good at death metal and has a band. Not sure if he still does working all those hours with 2 babies only a year apart now.

I started hissing... still not feeling good. Coming out a 72 hour straight hell for trying to defend myself saying if I learn to shoot i will shoot them bitches off me because i am SOOO fucking tired. I'm exhausted. I just don't know how to stop feeling haunted by them or literally feeling them thru me being forced to kiss my hands and shit. It's just not my nature or my zone and I can't stand it. Which reminds me I should take my medicine.

I like some of Jay Zs stuff and it's funny cause being a Nas fan it was hard to like him but he definitely won my respect and definitely one of the best to ever do it. It's just a love hate thing on that trust and he's the LAST person I want to listen to when I don't feel good. I'm quirky.

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Sleeping? I have scents for my pillow a heated and vibrating pad to hug, a weighted blanket... like the only thing that helps is getting to my MB SAFE zone the first one and pretending to lay behind him. But then I get tapped and knocked off, or feel like pins are being stuck in my eyes, really bad face migaines and excruciating pain.

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Well not behind him... hiding in his arm pit to be exact.*

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Or just next to him like on the beach that night.

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Spa... too broke but my mom would pay for that but I don't want her to. I HATE that she's the one that's been supporting me the past 8 years being this sick. I hold my tension in my skin from literally being so clenched and tight that I have cramps in my neck and shoulders or when at it's worse it hurts if I even touch my skin. My ex tried to massage some out and it helped some.

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My brother seems to be on it too now... that's all I want really besides money is my families back. He's been turning my pasta into worms since I was kid. LoL. But he wants me COMPLETELY sober. I'll get there I promise. I did good and didn't drink thru this last hell. Just baby steps right now please.

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I think I remember the fight now too when I saw that pic. And like I understand that but it wouldn't have been what i wanted or not like that. Nobody wants to see family fight each other. I just hope the wounds are healed by now. It feels like people are doing anything to perpetuate that loss of trust. I got your back no matter what... ok?

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I probably already said too much... I'm going to get some coffee and try to relax. I don't know who or how they got on my body but I'm not the bitch to tolerate abuse. Been there and done that some months before and I WILL KILL before I ever get abused again ESPECIALLY if they won't let me walk away and leave.

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"If you ain't seen your daughter she smile like you, so cute and even resort to violence like you" ... it made me smile. Jicera, I just want to be better before I meet you if you let me. I don't want you seeing me sick like this. And my families is where I wanna keep shit private too because I don't know or understand what's even going on or who is attacking us. I know where to start though...

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And on a side note... everyone said that because theyre esteems are low. HELL NO something wrong with them all for real cause they all have esteems so high they stand on their pedestals and shoot down on everybody else and won't even admit to the stupidest lie or mistake. This shit really has NOTHING to do with them and they refuse to believe that and leave.

[Candy]

thats sexy that you had sex but said nothing kinda makes me wanna scream as an automatic reaction lol yah know what i mean

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I appreciate you talking SO much cause really spitting all this shit out can be humiliating. I'm glad it's under one thread now and we can just delete it all.

no problem i think the humiliation is just how it is sometimes

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Which reminds me I should take my medicine.

im glad you act on it

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quirky is always good xoxo

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i love that your so family orintated i use too go to an accupunctionist and i just found out the same style of massuas is in my suburb

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good words well spoke respect

[A Disciple]

Why am I stupid cause I rather die than to be forced, abused, or sexually offended? God proving he everywhere it just can’t be mine cause I didn’t even do shit to deserve it. I can’t respect a god who co signs a bunch of abusers?

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It’s a god it just isn’t mine and I want my body back... you can’t force me to change my religion too

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It’s a god it just isn’t mine and I want my body back... you can’t force me to change my religion too

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Back to ice packs on my face again all week some feminine ass bitch kissing my hands... confused and retarded forced to share my body with them when I don’t want to. Trying to sleep feeling like that sex offending pig is inside my own body trying to force me to sleep with them

[Candy]

lol ice packs on on your flesh when its swollen is dope

[A Disciple]

Nah I don't like dude thats creepy and wanna cause pain and then wanna sit there and pull it out. Like someone that hits you then tries to hug you? That fettish too weird and off for me.

Woke up today feeling normal but I felt my rib cage shatter and it HURT... I assume that means my partner is mad but still getting used to the body shit.

Like today I woke up and wasn't feeling good because I haven't been able to eat since my computer remote controlled like that again and then I sat down and someone started rumbling my thighs. It felt really gross. I am a stalking and rape victim like how the fuck do you think it feels with some stranger you're not even compatible with on your body in that way too... my rib, my heart, some of the taps OK but like... There is multiple people it feels like. I'm not playing some guessing game or choose in the dark shit either. I know better than to fuck with strangers in the shade and I know my families and their links. It's different it sound the same but my family is different than that.
@Candy for real thanks for being cool as fuck and helping me talk thru all this weird shit. After the send back kit that didn't work I went back to the witch store who gave me the business card of a high preistess and my email got severed so I posted the information on the site. Maybe shit either about to get real freaky or finally resolved. I don't know nothing about that shit, I didn't even realize shit like that was even real.

[Candy]

your welcome..

im just listening to this its a dope track should check it..



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i like your tshirt xoxo

[A Disciple]

OMG I'm loving it so far and cracking up. Even at the 203 area code where I'm from.

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Did you know that for an hour after the vaccine you can stick a quarter to your arm like a magnet. I didn't believe it myself until I saw but we laughed. Like oh shit maybe we chipped now.

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I loved the song and video... thank you for posting.

Guys... if I have to post all my shit on here how am I supposed to go back and read them when I need to. I used to tell my ex sometimes I don't know who I am until you remind me. So now I have to remind myself.

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Just open mic

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Haunted

My eye sight is getting worse, so is this curse, dreaming of my enemies up in a hearse.
Inside I don’t feel the same, feeling like all these bitches but refuse to mention their name.
So life for them, my life, is just some silly game? Some think it’s over fame… but nah we def don’t think the same
Possessed in some hell, clapping & kissing my hands or rubbing my leg… nothing has ever made me so mad and so sick in my life
Let me find out it’s some maggot that think I’d ever be his wife.
I doubt anyone would put a price on my head, they’d be dead, so I don’t understand how they get away with it all instead
And in my head… I’m hearing voices tricking me cause I heard them speak of truth
Her mom was screaming to change the baby and vioux lah – then came the proof
It’s not so much violence but in all it still is abuse…
Because it is my body and life so why do they think I don’t get to choose?
Win, draw, or lose… hell a lot of decisions comes in 3s
But when shooting in the dark usually they lose cause it’s never the correct casualty
I wish I knew how to empty my own clip
I still remember staring at the bitch recording it all as I took a sip
I guess you can say it was god that I was running from the first time I flipped
Always speaking so silent and even enemies buried themselves in my soul
But still every decision I ever made was in best interest, I never forgot my role
Haunted, not by the shit that I’ve done…
Cause I can’t seem to get my body or religion back and here goes these bitches that just do it for fun.

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then came the proof. Why won't them bitches leave me alone and get the fuck up off my roof*

[Candy]

dope open mic, the things come in threes was the best part.. very personal and very deep thanks

[Candy]

i only ever reached for the streets beseeched by its complexity
cornered by my own corneas for what is around the next corner honestly
stumbling off words that i felt should stay virgins for the dirt that touched their worth
earthed by peaceful breezes that proceed to air on our every morns birth
hurt that one person could have more then one personality just to contain it
but why would anyone want to capture something so beautiful as i explain it
so i let the words speak for themselves just like pac says and go blind
my character grows beyond common man into a god hood of time
ageless,
faceless - full of moments all chronologically ordered
i would be lying, letting the words free also killed them accordingly
sad but true
but they sing such a somber tune..
well it will be what it will be as i sit as bonkers as a looney toon