A Disciple's Thread

[NoNun2]

Yeah.. I wanted a club and he wanted a laundry mat and we BOTH dreamed of getting out… the first time I cheated was because the guy told me he took a bitch to Florida and that’s what killed us bot noooo we were kids and not balling like that but how did you know?

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That one… it was so impossible that’s who I thought it was but it wasn’t… I got hit in ny and nj and nc too… it must’ve been the same person cause nah I didn’t get nothing either but still all these years later test every 6 months

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I had a few friends that were stirippere but nah I’m too self conscious like that… even then

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I respect them though…

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I’d be safe for like 2-4 weeks… they must be wealthy without a job to move to torture me

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And I had him on DNA THREE fucking times if they would listen to and believe me and just fucking check

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So I did…

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Because I was white and my profile… I mean the town I grew up in knew id get pulled and searched like every other month

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I got hard when I went away at 13… that’s when my
Mom said I changed… my sister said I changed after Hollins got shot and evidentially pac noticed that too

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I wish he was still alive so I can ask him why he got married 3 days after my bday

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Someone must’ve lied to him

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I never remembered at allll until I was shot too… which they all say never happened besides my dad

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I didn’t date for like 8 years besides magic… I did really feel him there WAS a bond

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Starting feeling like if he knew the real me type… but he betrayed me for someone like the real and it’s all good - I despise fighting and arguments and that’s all he wanna do anyway

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Nah… PAC why I have a perfect record LMAO

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I used to see him and run too

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I’m blessed he dedicated so much of his life and after to me and just want to give him the same back

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MORE back*

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I want to meet his sister and love that she is so involved in mental health too

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Honestly… I rather just sit here and write… especially when I don’t feel good

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Ok:::

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I know… she look just like him, right? I hate when they call me a wack job cause the psychs are good at keeping me sick… I just say dealing with things that would have you locked in a panic room eating a styrofoam cup

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Stray jacket never… tied to the bed… 3x

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Ain’t nothing sweet about mental

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People should have more compassion

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Nah even at 13 I had problems for real… I mean cutting my arm chanting shut up shut up shut up every time my parents wouldn’t stop fighting… I agree - that’s mental

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My father grew up in an abusive environment beyond comprehension on multiple levels - we used to talk alot

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Very poor too

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He is a genius literally and got full scholarship at Manhattan college engineering… then came the money then came the bitches etc etc etc

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My mom was a model… she’s gorgeous but I think he loved the trophy not her

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But really did love her the most when it was already too late

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50 I BEEN known I’m your writer… WHATS UP?!??!?

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Nah she stoped modeling after high school and was a secretary… she went back to modeling costumes for a while when my parents first broke up

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The strongest most selfless woman you will EVER meet… she not just pretty outside

[NoNun2]

I don’t need all eyes on me post too cause I need some advise and I need to read

[NoNun2]

Yes my mom not stressing and laughing will make me feel a little better - thank you



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Because I was happy but didn’t realize: they some how got me to dmv in sports bra and my bf didn’t sleep with me for 3 years and I hardly notice… I only cried over being a stupid delerious bitch… that’s why I refuse to leave my product

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I’d say until I know but I don’t think I’ll ever trust again now

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20 cent Jackson nas pls keep me grounded

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How would you feel? ESPECUALLY as a woman

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To be honest sometimes I rather be dodging bullets again

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Cause I save and that feels good

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I used to drive around and play last dayz by onyx during covid… I’m just weird like that

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I was sober and tested all the time and everyone but the people who can help know that

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I’m going to school even if I look ratchet rule is can’t miss 2 I already did that this would be 3 if I can’t make it

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Why is it so easy for them to drag me down every time I get back up?

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I already hear voices cause my mental illness… who thinks it’s ok to add more though and if that’s how you live fine - but it makes me sick unless an emergency

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They’re making me sick on purpose it feel like and as a joke too

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I can tell the difference between the 2

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But when I go to pray and they go first and cut me off and make me forget… that’s not my religion I don’t share my body or soul like that and never signed up for that either - but no one will make them stop

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Lost myself again and started to act pathetic just like Anthony / feel like everytime I try to go home

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Heard he still beating bitches… smh

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2 saves 1 drop down

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Saves normal life awake the drop down was a dream

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Thought god was punishing but wonder if that’s what he was trying to tell me they get like leave it alone

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Yeah she my favorite female artist since I heard her in underground

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It’s like… maybe if I spit and air it all out I feel better and I do… its better than crying

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But it’s embarrassing too

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Like I guess cause they was watching the entire time and know I ain’t even do shit or do shit to deserve it so how and why?

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Explaining my side like how anyone even confused

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I was 100 Percocet honest with my psychs and look how they did me - I trusted them too

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Nah never did pills but once when my boy was joking and put it in my mouth and made me swallow lol… it was like e which I don’t a handful of times too

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Done*

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That’s it… weed yay and liquor except a rare off e here and there is all… oh smoked wet once by accident

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I’m not A’d out like that and how they try to portray

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Even down to them lying on me

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Or slipping me before their fake sick make me go to psych cause I have no rites anymore type shit

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WHY? WTF IS GOING ON FOR REAL

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Cause I was dead sober and forgot the license pic or my cpu saying iwww etc etc

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I feel bad my mom keep coming in my room and I KNOW she smell the liquor - I can’t sleep for nothing

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I rather down 3 nips then take the sleeping pill and be paralyzed with my mind still racing for hours… it just work better for me

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The ironic part is I don’t like being fucked up with that

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Keep you sober and alert type u feel safer

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When I’m upset*

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But no way in hell would I ever promote it and I would fuck my daighter up if she ever tried it

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Like that*

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My brother keep telling me I did it before I can do it again but it’s like 20x harder now

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I’m so broken I don’t think I can or not sure I want to

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Being scared like literally every second of every day month and year… it wore me down and still does

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I know and I know I don’t miss a beat too… that doesn’t make it ok that makes it worse

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Then show everyone how too? How the fuck does that even happen to begin with?

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And why?

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I remember bits and pieces of the assault now so it’s possible I may have blacked that out due to the trauma but since I need left my drink and my greedy ass friend had a free vacation idk

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I never left my drink*

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It was either the bar tender or my bestie

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Did you see how green my eyes that day when I finally realized she guilty too? It hurt yo BAD

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Some of my old friends I tolerated but some I really did love to death

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Money! You know I ain’t talking though

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It’s not cause I fear God it’s cause I love him

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Felt betrayed in areas where I felt I should’ve been protected - that why I read it

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If you can’t keep it real with your god then who can you keep it real with

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I yell scream and curse talking to him all the time

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Why I’m 9th circle

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On borrowed time 4x that I know and probably even more I don’t know of… I’m good but trying to find and be myself again starting to come to the conclusion I’ll never be the person I was ever again

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Trying to figure out who I am now

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I know not them get out, but they won’t

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That’s when I question other gods like I have a feeling you hate earth and wanna get us off it asqp

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I used to like it here… still do sometimes despite

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I know people can be happy here and I want to be again too

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My God is Creator of Heaven and earth only and I joke about that

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Space always scared me until I accidentally sent my shadows there trying to fall asleep - that’s why I read too

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Allah alien after that droid… maybe?!?’

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I was told to read after I sent them to solace by accident - I wouldn’t to respect both gods - not my business until I realized it kinda was

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I don’t like his touch he grosses me out and makes me sick and feel icky please make him stop trying PLEASE

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Homie have the money… BYE

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Not trying to be mean or hurt feelings but it’s not like I haven’t already told you no like 3x

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AND STAY AWAY

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I should’ve left T when he went outside to take that call at Es house… I regret it but that confort and peace I never had realizing now that probably their fake shit again anyway

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Fuck hon for real I’m good but hoping with this being public and all he done look like S much of an ASSHOLE THAT HE REALLY IS

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I’m not into shaming people like most of them are - just don’t have that taste

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Grateful no matter how much big jokes and calls me mae

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I really did lose almost all my fight and spunk

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I don’t like being forced to share my body with their spirits either like they trying to bitch me

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Does anyone know how to make that stop?

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It’s like o already hear voices all day every day do I have to feel like them now too for real?

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I understand how and why my dad went out - it makes me want to cry cause it really is on the people who were hurting me too

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I told my aunt that them bitches really changed fate it wasn’t me… I thought changing fate was impossible

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Evidentially not…

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I’m just like I would drink myself to death easy too and that’s what fucked up

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Like a protest

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But him… he was torn

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That secret what ever it was and is made him that sick to do it

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I have a strong conviction against loved ones keeping secrets now

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T don’t love me.:: hasn’t since October even though he met the decoy they placed in July

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I analyze too long and too much and too slow

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It’s not I have to see it myself it has to slap me in the face

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Before I realize and accept it

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Especially if I allow myself to love or trust again

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Now? I’m not fronting I really love war being a b girl

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Yeah Remy just want to have fun again while I’m here

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Who gonna show me now where the fun at?

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M knew I knew both… that’s why they said be careful

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Nah homie that’s where I’m safe as long as it’s not THEM

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I know why you was mad em… cause I really was looking at them pink and chocolate diamonds like I forgot who I was

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LITERALLY

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I refuse to be a switch up any bitch you want bitch

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I hate like 9 and think it’s valuable to take care of the ones that people died to get here too

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Have like 9*

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From my family..

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I’m sick if you catch me buying one

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She was teaching me how to cook rice not crack

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It hurt when he said Ty was talking shit about me… deep down I know he wouldn’t

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Nope the Pyrex one brb

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I had friends that were prostitutes though… strippers raised me too

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Jay…. Did I give you the shoe box or was that just a dream cause I lost it somehow

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One of my besties and her room mate

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And the lady at zebras who convinced me to pick Ced up after I left him there

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Hell no bitch we ain’t cool and never will be… don’t matter won’t even be a factor

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Nah like I don’t think you all realize how many times pac saved me life… I would go in 2 seconds to see him and give him a hug

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Guys… how do I make it to school tonight?

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It’s like an anxiety of people thinking bad of me

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Especially after flipping out all weekend LITERALLY I don’t know who see what either that’s why it was dead wrong to post my shit to face book

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Like I’m sabotaging myself on purpose only it isn’t me - they just stronger

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My emotions are too strong when I’m sick and people being mean to me because I’m irresponsible sometimes make me even more sick

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It seems I’m irresponsible but really it’s the mental illness*

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Then to explain mentally ill doesn’t really make sense to everybody that think it’s so easy to just do it

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I really am going to fight and try though

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The strict environment that used to kick me into high gear is opposite now that I’m depression not manic anymore

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I hate peiple seeing me like a zombie or being socially awkward

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I hate T he did this on purpose and if he didn’t how can he be so selfish like he doesn’t see it

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I refuse to see or talk to him until after I graduate… missing too many days… I’ll still pray for him though

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I don’t want to see him dead or nothing

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Been sick and pacing ever since he did that… idek the last time I slept

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Not to blame but it really is his fault… he the sane one that should know better

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Like him and my step father don’t get it… I wish for ONE day they can feel what it feels like inside and physical too when you’re mentally sick - neither of them get it

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Because I did EVERYTHING the drs told me to do and it made me worse… I don’t trust them anymore and want to do it my way now even though I’m not qualified and shit but peace and comfort in my body is what’s most important to me and why I put up with so much

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I have ZERO fight left… and if you knew me prior you’d know how fucked up that is on its own

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I really am going to write a list off all the fucked yo shit he did and lied to me about cause no way in hell am I forgiving this or speaking to him again

[NoNun2]

The black marker on top of the bag… STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HELL MATE TOO!!!! I refuse to even speak to my hell mate until I graduate




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Nah you’re fucked

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How many times I said no and asked you to leave me alone… you wouldn’t even when you repeatedly saw how sick yoiu make me too

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It’s literally like I’m allergic to him

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Set ME up on 7/4… WRONG DATE… I hate you now dog

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If you refuse to stop you see the otherside of me too

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Fuck your clout ain’t worried about it… I’m not the one that did you wrong or selfishly insist on you being sick out your own zone

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If you have a problem with anyone though… take it to me… I do worry for my loved ones now too

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PS I am mental and this is just all the air outs and such - where the site lets me be me but mostly it isn’t all me

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A guy I dated that I caught spying on my phone… you can just message me if you wanna see anything else - I have 3 account names… new trauma… new ban… or I’m just starting over