1996

[C.rabbit]

1996

I remember back when it was 1996 when my mother was suckin on them dicks gettin in with the pricks // but she didn't know what to do // i remember when she was puttin her pussy out like it was in a zoo // and then 2 weeks later she was late and she paniced cause her whole world was filled with havoc //her boat was sinkin and you couldn't command it i know you were left stranded // and there was no help handed by my faggit of a dad // he couldn't hack so he picked up his bags and ran , ye the shit just hit the fan // she went through the tough times and the rough years // she even upped lines and shedd tears // now 15 years later im still here // id never do anything to hurt you your my own flesh and blood // but back then you just didn't know what was good // you got in with the thugs // messin around the hood and then along came the drugs // and so you decided to take the blunt and light it // but you didn't relise it // you took your whole life and began to ignite it // and i know you tried to fight it but it was like a blight // it had to win those drugs had to take over // you started the never ending war // you always wanted more untill you finnally saw // your sons little rist were raw // and so you decided to take a new road but you couldn't cause it was closed and the lord opposed // but i suppose that this songs just to say // im sorry that everything had to be this way.

Still needs a few tweeks , but tell me what you think ?? sound


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...61&postcount=2
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...17&postcount=5
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...13&postcount=5

[C.rabbit]

this the beat im guneh be usin for this rap , everyone give feedback ? would appreciate it

[C.rabbit]

fuck sake uppp !!! feedbackk please

[143]

Ok, First off, the structure of the drop is off. Your structure is the beat that the rhymes is laid to. So write it line for line and not like a paragraph, second is the "//" which most readers who are real writers will tell you that it's disstracting. As for the more technical matters of this, there wasn't a lot of multis or sims. The lines were straight forward and didn't lend any creative aspects to it. This was your best lines

she went through the tough times and the rough years // she even upped lines and shedd tears // now 15 years later im still here

Work on these aspects of writing and you will be a better penmen in your writing.

[C.rabbit]

its not ment to have multies or be imaginative or nothin like that im jus tellin a story ?

[Time__.]

really fuckin powerful story,

just needs a good structure. shit could be award winning.
guy, picture the scenes abit better. throw in the atmosphere.
afew quotes. where you was. where she was.

example.

diary book opened back to 1996
when i was flipping school books
momma's out flipping dicks.
like clowns with dial numbers
only called out for tricks
daddy wasnt even sad, he
just left... and that was it.
(insert your personal background
friends, life, etc etc.)

other than that, good drop,
sorry about the shitty life, i can
relate to alot of that personally with
my family..

take it easy bro.

[C.rabbit]

thanks man ill work on fixin it up

[Moonkloud]

Whats up ! Heres a few highlight of what i saw and liked...

I remember back when it was 1996 when my mother was suckin on them dicks gettin in with the pricks - Assonance

and i know you tried to fight it but it was like a blight - Same

but i suppose that this songs just to say // im sorry that everything had to be this way. - Perfect Rhyme

Dig the story, use more imagery and multis..

Keep Gettin Up ! ( R )

[C.rabbit]

Yeah sound for the feedback

[Kryss]

I think the whole structure is bad and the way you told your moms business is disrespectful, but it's your piece. Work on the way you let it flow, so it can run smoothly. Other then that it was very strong
Keep it up..

[Nilla Vanilla]

The inner rhymes could probably use some work.

Instead of "and so you decided to take the blunt and light it // but you didn't relise it // you took your whole life and began to ignite it // and i know you tried to fight it but it was like a blight // it had to win those drugs had to take over"

You could say "It was decided she's reminded life's too fucking hard to fight it// lighted bud up in the blunt ignited life among the blighted// Your chemical war which you could never take delight in//Always reaching for more despite the end is never sighted//

[C.rabbit]

sound for the feedback

[systematik2.0]

its a good story, it rhymes but its not a rap
ya need to bounce subjects more
cos th peeople that been thru it, have heard it all before....
evry1 likes a hero
ina story u always got to hear wat you did,they did,and how u got ontop of it

[C.rabbit]

ye ill work on it , its still not finished tho