666 Is Here!

[Prophet Margin]

lol, this is how i wrote when i first started to elevate....almost exactly like this

you have the rhyme schemes and vocab DOWN, but your flow is totally jacked up the lines are stretched as fuck in places and too short in others

also your concepts are a bit off, like the guy who did the funny breakdown on the first page said, some of this just doesnt make sense, you either used certain concepts in the wrong places or forced rhymes on lines where they dont belong

you also tried to combine the elements of a topical piece and a self hype piece, which can be dope as hell, but you gotta deliver....your a good step below that dopeness threshold

Shit you can do

-The single best way to improve your flow, is by doing something you learned in kindergarten. Count your syllables. I see that you may have done this a few times or else got lucky just writing the lines the way they sounded best. Anyways what i mean is that every line in your piece should be between 10-15 syllables. <10 is too short and >15 is too long, in fact i prefer to only use 11-14 syllabe lines....
a. Also you will improve your flow bar to bar by simply making both lines of a bar the same length (i.e. 12 syllables/12 syllables) or by keeping it consistent from bar to bar (12/14, and then 12/14 in the next bar)

hope that helps you in the future

-Build around concepts not rhymes:
Sometimes i like to write simple sentences illustrating my concepts, then go back and add complexity and depth and find rhymes that fit with the concept, dont predetermine what words to rhyme, then create the lines, know what youre gonna say, then rhyme the words....this will help make your concepts more coherent and make them appear more thought out and natural

-Have a central topic:
If its just a self hype, thats fine, but this wasnt. you tried to make this a self hype and topical simultaneously.
Either make your piece a story, or write your song about a specific thing, you want a simple central topic, but lyrics that give the audience a fresh take on the topic
Orrr, you CAN try to do what you did here. meshing self hype and topical. The best way you go about this is to rhyme in first person, but dont portray yourself as yourself.....if that doesnt make sense ,what i mean is......
you could write a piece in first person called "Big Brother" which describes what shitty things youre doing to people by controlling their lives and spying on them and killing them off......its a topical cuz its a conspiracy type piece about the evils of the government, and its self hype simply cuz you wrote it in first person, so it sounds like youre the badass.....


anyways i went wayyyy too long with this feed, and you prolly already know alotta the shit i told you.....lol you have potential, you look like me about a year ago

keep it real, stay up

[Prophet Margin]

oh, and i forgot to say........youre biggest strength is the heavy multies all over the place.

like that shit alot.....thats my style as well

also good punchlines

just clean it ur stuff up a lil, youll be doin good shit

[nSayn]

The lines were really long.
Therese not really a message.
That sperm in the guy line was weird, I would never put that in one of my songs.
But the song was still pretty good. Some of the lines were good and had some depth.

[wickedwordpLay]

The lines were really long.
Therese not really a message.
That sperm in the guy line was weird, I would never put that in one of my songs.
But the song was still pretty good. Some of the lines were good and had some depth.

This wasnt a song, just some random freestyles.
Not really much effort on a topic or anything tbh.

And Prophet Margin, I appreciate that,
that's probably the best feedback i've got. thx.
this wasnt too serious, just some shit to play around with

[N.F.M.]

I don't know. I kinda liked it. I aint got nuthin foul to say about this rhyme right here. I like the way you worded it, and the way it flows. So I'll just pressure you to keep rappin, and take it as motivation to improve in the right direction. Peace.

[Spongmaster-J]

Spongmaster-J you sound like a huge faggot, I thought I'd just let you know. Don't bother replying to this comment because I'm not wasting my time on you.

Well, Bongkers, you didn't seem to mind wasting some of your time in composing that absolutely devastating hit-and-run attack on my reputation: "Spongmaster-J I hate you, but please don't retaliate *legs it*"

If there is a sounder embodiment of cowardice then I've yet to see it. Out of sympathy for your trembling plea - though I did, in the end, respond despite your instruction - I will limit my response to simply this: perhaps I'll see you round in some other threads. Hopefully I'll be spared any more of your sprawlingly complex rhetorical assaults.

[Spongmaster-J]

I don't know. I kinda liked it. I aint got nuthin foul to say about this rhyme right here. I like the way you worded it, and the way it flows. So I'll just pressure you to keep rappin, and take it as motivation to improve in the right direction. Peace.

Spot the difference? "I don't know what to say... but I'm going to say something anyway: I haven't got anything to say. I like how it has words in it, and how the words follow on from each other. I'll suggest something to you that I have no sway with and which I can satisfy myself that you plan to do anyway, and encourage you to improve in the right direction; a direction I'm not familiar with and cannot point you towards. Peace"

I know that feelings of a warm, snug variety bear from having your name and photograph pitched in threads like this... but if you truly have nothing to say, nobody will hold it against you if you refrain from posting until you do. I think it will be best for everyone.

[Daughter of Gaia]

This is probably one of the most impressive, creative pieces I have read. I write shit about 999 rather then 666, lol. But I actually enjoyed this piece, I used to write word's with Emphasis in Capital Letters. I've personally thought it was a great way to grab attention, but over time, I realized it just slowed down the flow when the reader reads it. There were only 1 or 2 verbs with didn't make sense, thoughts ran off track a couple of times, but its all good, this was a good read.

[wickedwordpLay]

Spongmaster J, do you have a life?
It's been months and you're still stalking my shit?
Dont start arguments on here.

[Spongmaster-J]

Oh hush, Wiwopla. I only reared my ugly head because Bongkers conducted a drive-by attack on my reputation, before speeding off and into hiding. If you are to rebuke anyone, I think it should be him. Such a nasty little man, is Bongkers. So intolerant. Can I get an "AMEN"?!

[Black Hornet]

first of all, this was a good read and i enjoyed how you kept on the same rhyme scheme for each stanza. Secondly, i dont know why anyone would come in here and hate cus thats pretty weak. Above all i like how everything went together. This is definitely written similar to a freestyle, but it worked well. One thing i'd like to say is that some of it seemed longer than it should have. Sometimes you can work monosylable words out of a line to make it shorter, but yours were on point for the most part. one example;
"We raise hell, cuz our purpose relies on burnin tha sky" you coulda worked out the CUZ and still made your point. Anyhow nice drop and i'd like to see something newer if you got anything.