666 Is Here!

[wickedwordpLay]

Im the assassin of text, and da guy who caused Titanic to crash in tha depths
I show no compassion with death, Id rather collapse in ur chest til ur askin for breath
And if ur grabbin ur tech, I'll slash ur abdomen next til blood splatters ur flesh
My structure's venomous with enough emphasis to spit til' ur covered in syphilis
My crew's puncturin ligaments and comin from distances
To catch prey like hunters and fisherman
We're attackin organisms with more precision than corpse incisions
Killin ur poorly writtens before it started like abortion clinics
We'll destroy religions with sword equipment
Countin up the bodies like we're scorin digits
Keepin da pests under control more effecient than border fences
So its the unexpected when we're comin aggressive with guns ejected
To stay in silence, u better breathe slow like u had a lung infection
Or get ur fuckin Intestines numbed in seconds
Like u got pumped with a bunch of Injections

We raise hell, cuz our purpose relies on burnin tha sky
Cuttin MCs deeper than surgical knives with a vertical slice
So u better learn to abide, Once we release da shots like sperm in a guy
Cuz we're determined to rise, And when our verses collide da earth divides
Bringin Apocalypse worse than tha churches described
And if u talk back, u'll just fall and crash like tha plane in tha hudson river
We're too high so nothin's bigger, We just love to injure punk beginners
We'll fuck u up like u drunk a mixture of rum and liquor
Ur whole crew's just a bunch of quitters with fake guns and triggers
None of yall can touch my figures
If u try, u'll just get ur stomach and liver cut with scissors
Til tha doctors have to sew u back together with a hundred zippers

I abolish threats, and I only fuck with pussies if its da opposite sex
Also an obnoxious pest, Cuz like cancer, Im startin to spread to accomplish this thread
So everyone start guardin ur chest like cops with a vest
Cuz u cant dodge a god in tha flesh, I drop knowledge in text
Im more than an act of greatness, God sent me to hell cuz I tried to stab his face in
I go through graphic stages once my wrath's awakened, u better grab ur gauges
Cuz i'll run in ya squad and capture patrons with vast containments
Get em trapped in cages, cuz my soul's colder than alaskan bases
All my raps contagious, Sicker than teens who cant quit masturbations
U better run back in ur basement cuz Im plannin ur assassination
So I map ur station and give it a tragic shakin like da collapse of haitians
I dont have a patience, And yall aint my real prey, Just some practice patients

[wickedwordpLay]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...683/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...602/index.html

Also if you can give me feedback on my other drop! thanks

[INFiNiTE..]

Im the Assassin of Text, and da guy who caused Titanic to Crash in tha Depths
i show no Compassion with Death, id rather Collapse in ur Chest till ur Askin for Breath
Good opener i like the meta that was tight


and if ur Grabbin ur Tech, i'll slash ur Abdomen Next, til' ur blood Splatters ur Flesh
my Structure's Venomous with Enough Emphasis to spit til' ur Covered in Syphilis
Nice i love the way it flows its real smooth the last line was dope.


my crew's Puncturin Ligaments and Comin from Distances
to catch prey like Hunters and Fisherman
Decent line.


we're attackin Organisms with More Precision than Corpse Incisions
killin ur Poorly Writtens before it started like Abortion Clinics
Haha that was tight man.


we'll Destroy Religions with Sword Equipment
countin up the bodies like we're Scorin Digits
Nice meta easy flow 2

and we keep pests under control More Effecient than Border Fences
so its the Unexpected when we're Comin Aggressive with Guns Ejected
Cool cool last line didn't rhyme though


u better breathe slow like a Lung Infection, or get ur Fuckin Intestine
Numbed in Seconds, like u got pumped with a Bunch of Injections
Its ok nothing special good flow though


we raise hell, cuz our Purpose Relies on Burnin tha Sky
cuttin MCs deeper than Surgical Knives
Nice line

So u better Learn to Abide, once we release shots like Sperm in a Guy
and when our Verses Collide da Earth Divides
Lol wtf @ the first line the 2nd line was cool though


bringin Apocalypse worse than da Churches Described
but if u talk back, u'll just fall and crash like tha plane in tha Hudson River
First line started off strong but the 2nd didn't rhyme and seem like a filler


we're too high so Nothin's Bigger, we just Love to Injure Punk Beginners
we'll fuck u up, like u Drunk a Mixture of Rum and Liquor
Nice


ur whole crew's just a Bunch of Quitters wit fake Guns and Triggers
none of yall can Touch my Figures
Nah man filler make the lines even

if u try, u'll just get ur Stomach and Liver Cut with Scissors
til' tha doctors have to sew u back together wit a Hundred Zippers
It was ok but didn't really make sense but i see where your getting
at zippers/stiches


I Abolish Threats, and I only fuck with pussies if its da Opposite Sex
also an Obnoxious Pest, cuz like cancer, Im Startin to Spread to Accomplish this Thread
First line was tight..2nd didn't really make sense

So everyone start Guardin ur Chest like Cops with a Vest
cuz everything u lay is a Competent Mess.
Tight line



Im more than an Act of Greatness, i go through Graphic Stages
once my Wrath's Awakened
Cool.


i'll run in ya squad and Capture Patrons wit Vast Containments
colder than Alaskan Bases
all my Raps Contagious, like teens who cant quit Masturbations
im plannin ur Assassination
Decent line


so i Map ur Station, and give it a Tragic Shakin like da Collapse of Haitians
i dont Have a Patience, and yall aint my real prey, just some Practice Patients
Good ender.


Overall, this piece was pretty tight its not really my style but i think u did a good job with it, the negative is that you need to shorten up the lines i think there wayyyy too long and it fucks with the flow also try to make them even.

The Positive is you had some fresh metas in there and saw multies in there

Nice stuff man.

peace

[wickedwordpLay]

thanks, but it did rhyme, i just dont like to rhyme 2 lines then switch, thats why i have multi chains in there throughout. next time judge each multi chain seperately.

[INFiNiTE..]

Word my bad that i just re read it again and notice that sorry about that man.

[Spongmaster-J]

/Im the Assassin of Text, and da guy who caused Titanic to Crash in tha Depths

Okay, my first question, prompted by your impactful aside, would have to be *why* you made the Titanic crash? Why did they have to die? It all seems so unnecessary! And also, if you're so proud of it, how come you covered it up and framed the iceberg? I can't work you out - but what I do know for sure is that you're not a guy to mess with, so I'll try and make my critique unobjectionable...

WHAT THE HELL was all that about?! The gaping flaws in your intended self-aggrandising lines is a wonder to behold. For example:

/We're attacking organisms with more precision that corpse incisions

Well, sensible, time-efficient morticians are understandably *imprecise* when incising a corpse: the people are dead! They don't care. They don't run the risk of making things any worse. I've heard stories that in many cases they do it blindfolded. Anyway...

/we'll Destroy Religions with Sword Equipment

I have to assume by 'sword equipment' that you don't mean 'swords', otherwise you would have said it; so, what you mean is that you are going to destroy religions with sword accessories? Scabbards, polishing and sharpening kits and the like? Is that right?

/and we keep pests under control More Effecient than Border Fences

How efficiently do border fences check the scourging proliferation of mosquito? Or how effective do they prove in halting the spread of avian flu? Or lice? Or slugs? Or fungal spores? Again, your implication is that you are adept only at keeping account of large, obvious and easily warded pests; but not so much the more nimble, dangerous and verily notable ones.

/u better breathe slow like a Lung Infection

Lung infections don't breath.

/cuttin MCs deeper than Surgical Knives

You can't ordinarily cut a surgical knife, but, if you could, they're only shallow to begin with.

/bringin Apocalypse worse than da Churches Described

Surely you can't kill religions with sword accoutrements in an earlier verse, and then use their scriptures as a benchmark for your decimation of the universe? It seems a little cheap.

/all my Raps Contagious, like teens who cant quit Masturbations
/im plannin ur Assassination

Your punctuation here suggestion that "you, like teens who can't quit masturbating, are planning my assassination". And, to be honest, the last people I fear assassination from, are those who are disablingly taken to pleasuring themselves. Good luck to them, imho. They need our help! (Not with *that*, obviously.)

..

All in all, it seemed as though you vomitted words onto a page, then swirled them around with some implement or other, until they sounded nice.

But keep working on it, I think you def. have potential.

[wickedwordpLay]

cuttin MCs deeper than Surgical Knives/ are you dumb? i dont actually mean to cut into a knife, you must have a simple way of lookin at things.
u better breathe slow like a Lung Infection/ same with this. you're taking things too literal
pest = as in an unwanted person, i was referring to illegal immigrants. "border fences"

i can agree on the sword equipment part though.
im guessing you dont even listen to rap with the way you look at things.

[brokenhalo]

yo nwo you nice but too brutal my dude calm your emotions a lil they really get you worked up haha you can feel them threw the peice thats cool tho thats how hiphop should be i bet youll fuck someone up in a battle but overall your drop was good! some parts felt a bit deathmetal horrorcore rappish but on the brink of cheesey none the less you got it bro do your thing and ease up on the thoughts sometimes you dont have to always kill the verse haha peace homey!

[Spongmaster-J]

I'm not convinced you carried your points there, my friend. If you're reliant upon your listener's stupidity for your lyrics to appear plausible, then at least have the decency to acknowledge that if someone with a tad more savvy overhears them, he'll spot the flaws I pointed out. I knew precisely (with the precision of a live-person incision, in fact) what you meant by your surgical knife line; the problem was that you *wrote* it too literally, not with my understanding of it: you didn't make it clear. And that was the fault line throughout the entire piece. Far too vague and open to misinterpretation. I simply emphasised it. And, if you believe that my observations and the manner in which they were delivered were indicative of a simplistic, narrow analytical mind, then, well; I'd have to question your own. Peace.

P.S. I hope we can still be friends??

[143]

Go.......

Im the Assassin of Text, and da guy who caused Titanic to Crash in tha Depths
i show no Compassion with Death, id rather Collapse in ur Chest till ur Askin for Breath

good open, you should pluralize "breath" to "breaths"

and if ur Grabbin ur Tech, i'll slash ur Abdomen Next, til' ur blood Splatters ur Flesh
my Structure's Venomous with Enough Emphasis to spit til' ur Covered in Syphilis
my crew's Puncturin Ligaments and Comin from Distances
to catch prey like Hunters and Fisherman
we're attackin Organisms with More Precision than Corpse Incisions

rhymes kind of force here, especially in the first line. overkill withe x thing and seeing the change in rhyme skeme that last line gotta be on point, a triple line skeme would have been cool here


killin ur Poorly Writtens before it started like Abortion Clinics
we'll Destroy Religions with Sword Equipment
countin up the bodies like we're Scorin Digits
and we keep pests under control More Effecient than Border Fences

sword equipment doesn't work here, overstating what a sword is, maybe go with war instead to sound better

so its the Unexpected when we're Comin Aggressive with Guns Ejected
u better breathe slow like a Lung Infection, or get ur Fuckin Intestine
Numbed in Seconds, like u got pumped with a Bunch of Injections
we raise hell, cuz our Purpose Relies on Burnin tha Sky
cuttin MCs deeper than Surgical Knives with a Vertical Slice
So u better Learn to Abide, once we release shots like Sperm in a Guy
and when our Verses Collide da Earth Divides
bringin Apocalypse worse than da Churches Described

I see that you are capitalizing your wordplay, not needed, it makes your drop less comprehensible. also some of it ok other parts you missed:

So u better Learn to Abide, once we release shots like Sperm in a Guy
and when our Verses Collide da Earth Divides
bringin Apocalypse worse than da Churches Described



but if u talk back, u'll just fall and crash like tha plane in tha Hudson River
we're too high so Nothin's Bigger, we just Love to Injure Punk Beginners
we'll fuck u up, like u Drunk a Mixture of Rum and Liquor
ur whole crew's just a Bunch of Quitters wit fake Guns and Triggers
none of yall can Touch my Figures
if u try, u'll just get ur Stomach and Liver Cut with Scissors
til' tha doctors have to sew u back together wit a Hundred Zippers

Rum and Liqour line bombed because they are the same thing. go more intense with the rhyming when you are doing a braggidocio piece

I Abolish Threats, and I only fuck with pussies if its da Opposite Sex
also an Obnoxious Pest, cuz like cancer, Im Startin to Spread to Accomplish this Thread
So everyone start Guardin ur Chest like Cops with a Vest
cuz u cant dodge a God in tha Flesh, i drop Knowledge in Text

First line missed by a mile, second line too long. throughout this piece your flow is off

Im more than an Act of Greatness
i go through Graphic Stages once my Wrath's Awakened
i'll run in ya squad and Capture Patrons wit Vast Containments
colder than Alaskan Bases
all my Raps Contagious, like teens who cant quit Masturbations
im plannin ur Assassination
so i Map ur Station, and give it a Tragic Shakin like da Collapse of Haitians
i dont Have a Patience, and yall aint my real prey, just some Practice Patients

Closing need work, the first two lines were probally the best lines in the whole drop the rest was forced and the last line didn't work at all rhyming with patience

With a piece like this when you are talking about yourself in a rhyme you gotta put up ya best stuff. The flow was off in alot of places and most of the rhymes where forced with overused adjectives and adverbs. When talking about your skills you have to clearly show what you are talking about. Work on using words that don't describe the general part of the word "sword equipment or gun and triggers" set a tempo or write to a beat to place a certain structure to your verse. There are some types of drops where structure can be stretched a little (storytelling or historical drops) but when bragging, structure is everything because it sets up the pop that comes in the lines. Peace

[wickedwordpLay]

thanks man, this is just some of my old shit i threw together to see what kinda feedback i'd get. my style is way more complex now. Appreciate all the feedback, good or bad.

[Whip]

Had me vibin good shit

[metafourik]

holy hell man that critique was funny as shit buddy breakin down everything as if it had to be factually correct, hahaha thats funny

Anyways this piece was tight as hell and if im the only one that notices this then thats sad. The multies were fresh something straying from the norm. The structure was a little transcendant didnt really find its way, but regardless there were to many quotable lines in here for me to even break down.

The flow was on and off in parts but thats expected with a verse this long and like you said you just threw it together to see what type of feedback you would get. I liked this man it was nice as hell keep it up especially stringin those multies together. I would like to see a piece that has a definate topic and solid structure to it cause i know you would kill it man.

Keep this up for sure.

[metafourik]

awww hell i gotta quote this

so i Map ur Station, and give it a Tragic Shakin like da Collapse of Haitians
i dont Have a Patience, and yall aint my real prey, just some Practice Patients

love the closer hella nice

[Spongmaster-J]

Hmm. If I'm the only one that noticed that none of it made any sense, and, in parts, actively represented the writer as a ponce-monger, then surely that has to be the true root of sadness here?