http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
Last edited by P. Mortuus; November 16th, 2010 at 06:11 PM
Last edited by Euphoric; November 16th, 2010 at 11:37 PM
It’s cold how easily the bold get worn- bald and forgotten
characters become caricatures, sold, broken and begotten
for memory trips and when the memory slips he became a blip
winked out and as he shouts his voice snuffed- a temporary grip
but soon lost he’s in a contemporary hitch where analogues the bitch
and digital practically rides the physical dick.
They didn’t remember his words- his phrases nor was he quoted
when they read his line- they thought hmmm...who wrote it?
so when he spoke it they couldn’t hear- it appeared they were deaf
or just the publications death meant he wasn’t an immortal like they said
he tried opening a portal to the home-world-
but the chortle of the homegirl
to the homeboy made him realise he a part of a old ploy
But that can’t be, no....he was a hero...he couldn’t touch her like that
he was the one who wore a green coat, shiny boots and a smart hat
this can’t be...let me go!
he was let go- seems he wasn’t even the focus from the get go.
Stinking of sex- great little soldier boy lathered with sweat
he gathered his vest and left faster than the clothes shed
off that poor girl- he’d been forced to finger her....so deep
and her tears showered the blood off of his mouth- a creep
screams were loud, but the rope kept her hands pointed south
and when the guy had finished with him he threw him in the mouth
...of a fireplace....he burned and as the fire blazed
his last memory was of helping rape the girl- crazed
he couldn’t even shed a tear........
as once again he was forgotten it appeared.
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...WXB_7HfzEfglf7
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers
“Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armor
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her”
-“When I’m Gone” by Eminem
In the dark silence, the smallest sound is deafening;
Beckoning, the world closer to something threatening,
Monstrosities and atrocities, alike take flight here,
Full of anomalies, his mind reflects his nightmares.
There were too many things amiss, in his black abyss
So he blocked life out, obscuring it through cannabis.
After all he cannot miss, what he cannot feel,
So he thought for a fact, that “Love” was never real.
For him, the day was highlighted in shades of gray,
And he was prepared to forever live this way,
To travel a dark road, and never be led astray,
Then she entered his life, and he was never the same.
She was the epitome of fervent diligence,
And starkly contrasted his ardent indolence,
She was harmonious, while he was a dissonance;
And her benevolence, offset even his virulence.
They say “opposites attract,” well he fell for her hard,
As he saw his darkness retract, and flee from his heart,
Chased away by the spellbinding spark-- a thought of her
Which brought over, sensations of which he never dreamed.
She lit up his dark world, so he swore to protect her.
To never neglect her, and love nothing except her;
For her, he would give an arm, no, all of his limbs if needed,
Cus there’d never be another, who’d make him feel like she did.
She fell for him too; they said “I love you,” and thought that they meant it
Love was a strong feeling, and each of them was sure that they felt it.
“But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?”
-"When I'm Gone" by Eminem
Five months passed, and what seemed to be moving so fast
Started fading, becoming a part of the past,
At first, their love was measured in flights, and then the plane crashed,
Dragged down with fights, in which the cursing became full blast.
She suspected him, even though her suspicions were baseless,
Since in his mind, compared to her, all other girls were faceless.
He started feeling, the distance grow between them,
Signs of breaking up, he had already seen them,
In danger of losing his light, he begged to talk it out,
But it was too late, since she was already walking out,
Leaving him in pain, as he tried his best to block it out
But just unable to do so, he started calling out,
To his old darkness, which promptly came, vaulting out
And engulfed him once more, in an even darker world than before.
yikes another tough battle...I think so far everyone has stepped it up this week.
Mortuus- I really liked the way you developed your concept, the imagery in places was stunning (like the blood/tears line) and my fave stanza was your last, its def a plus when you end on a super strong note that ties your whole verse together. My only criticism is to watch out for little words that arent needed, "wasn't an immortal" should be "wasn't immortal", that extra syll trips up the flow imo., then again not everyone's flow is the same. I think you incorporated the toy soldier line nicely Good verse all around verse.
Euphoric- you had some strong emotion in this verse, but for a topic like this, you really need some consistent imagery to make it engaging. The other issue is your inconsistent vocab...imo you should pick a vocab level and stick with it all the way through, if you only use a higher level vocab in one area (bars 7&8), it'll feel awkward. Not a bad verse, and you did very well incorporating one of my fave Em songs.
vote- P. Mortuus, tho I had to read each verse 3 times to make my mind up. Good battle guys!
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"Are you playing with yourself?" "Who said I'm playing, I'm being serious!"
hmm. alright.. this is how i saw this battle between y'all.. i felt like Euphoric started out really strong in his first graph then went kind of down hill from there.. idk, i liked the use of that vocab but then again it wasn't spread out in the right way, i don't believe.. i also felt you could have done a little better on the story line and developing the two lovers like how the guy depended on her so much.. i felt it was sort of abrupt and under developed slightly.. i'm not saying i didn't like your piece, Euph. But it sorta let me down... i really liked your first 8 lines and i also liked the 'vaulting out' part.. as for P. Mortuus, i think i'm leaning towards your piece simply because it was sort of like a riddle to me.. it was like you were describing the army man the whole time but not making it obvious, just dropping subtle hints.. the last segment was alittle confusing for some reason to me, about the whole rape thing but it was cool due to the imagery and delivery.. i'm going to have to give this to P.. just a little better machanics and detail to his piece.. little things made it stand out for me..pce
v: P. Mortuus
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the art of illusion is sharp 'n alluding,
the con starts with confusion..
but the real magic lies dark, in seclusion..
-fuck with me..
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IN ORDER TO GIVE EVERYONE A CHANCE TO GIVE AND RECEIVE VOTES!!
Voting
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[YOUTUBE]2oVgq-QrwRM[/YOUTUBE]
Mortuus..
This was dopely written.
The story was real cool and down to earth.
And intriguing take on the topic.
Vocab was good.
Some descriptive, dope parts.
Smart hat? That bar would have been dope but I don't think smart was the right word.It’s cold how easily the bold get worn- bald and forgotten
characters become caricatures, sold, broken and begotten
Stinking of sex- great little soldier boy lathered with sweat
he gathered his vest and left faster than the clothes shed
Anyway, this was a dope piece and nicely written, very smooth and clean.
Euph...
Started off real good.
Then started to fade a little.
Vocab was okay, but maybe a little much in areas, which took away from the piece.
Flow was pretty much on the whole way through.
Some parts I liked most..
dope^.In the dark silence, the smallest sound is deafening;
Beckoning, the world closer to something threatening,
This part was simple, yet very real and smooth.She lit up his dark world, so he swore to protect her.
To never neglect her, and love nothing except her;
For her, he would give an arm, no, all of his limbs if needed,
Cus there’d never be another, who’d make him feel like she did.
Overall a pretty good, emotion piece.
This was a close, good battle, good pieces by both.
But i'm going to go with Mortuus.
Good writing guys.
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
Bahhh... I want to vote for both of you haha! Funny you both used Eminem shit... anyways, onto the actual battle...
I dug both verses. Flow was great on both ends.. wording was a bit better on Euphorics though. I think he one upped Baron there when you combine that with the dope flow.. Baron's idea was more appealing to me.. the way he brought his concept out was really tight.. the regret of the wrong doings for the narrator were really well captured.. some cool lines in there indiviually... Euphoric's layout was cool.. how he used both quotes from the same track as bridges to capitalize his idea, nice idea overall but still slightly less entertaining than Baron's... it's cool because both of you were about even overall.. there were different faults on both sides which is why the vote is so hard to cast for everyone imo... each writer one upped the other in differet areas specifically..
he tried opening a portal to the home-world-
but the chortle of the homegirl
to the homeboy made him realise he a part of a old ploy
But that can’t be, no....he was a hero...he couldn’t touch her like that
he was the one who wore a green coat, shiny boots and a smart hat
^^that was cool... enjoyed this section the most from Baron...
Chased away by the spellbinding spark-- a thought of her
Which brought over, sensations of which he never dreamed.
She lit up his dark world, so he swore to protect her.
To never neglect her, and love nothing except her;
For her, he would give an arm, no, all of his limbs if needed,
Cus there’d never be another, who’d make him feel like she did
^^favorite parts from Euphoric's verse. the all of his limbs shit was a decent play off the quote.. entertaining.
I think Euphoric's verse had one major fault that loses him the battle for me.. the basic feel to his final verse towards the end.. the continuous rhyming of the word "out" felt more annoying than it did creative.. I wasn't feelin' it and it just didn't close the piece well enough for me to be into it. Sorry bro!
that said.. good shit guys. Vote Baron P. Mortuus
Baron Wins. Good match.
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