Insecure

[Alta]

Insecure


Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions,
Vacant the mind is but ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim
I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure
My common sense senses
Jealousy from Realization of reality
Can’t shake the fact of my appearance
Looks take but I accept my appearance
If you don’t then who will?...
Insecurities…


Links:
That feeling you know: by Hallie babii
Pain : by Asia

[Alta]

bump....

[Alta]

Bump...:/

[obseqious]

well the poem was ok, structure was ok, words where good, scheme was non existent, but this style doesnt require one, mets where ok,
as far as the poem in reality, there are alot of different emotions wraped up in this poem and the ability to control them all and detail them is important, however i didnt see to much detail (that might just be me) but as far as somone caring about what somone elsde loks like doesnt have a decent understanding of what life is about, the person is inh the mind and soul, not in the skin and bones......

[Alta]

bump more feed

[abiona]

Hmm.

Question.... why are some words randomly capitalized?

For a piece on insecurities, you really have to push it more. It's a common topic for people to write about and this reads like a really general piece. More concrete examples would give it a lot more appeal. I didn't come away understanding how you felt or why. You said it... but didn't give us enough to really buy it.

Your wording was kinda awkward in places like this:

I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy,

I don't know if it was how you structured it or your word placement... but it doesn't read smoothly. The ending has the potential to be strong, but the repetition steals some of that strength.

This piece has a lot of potential because it is obvious that it is written from the heart... it just needs to be cleaned up a bit and presented in a way that is more easily felt by the reader.

[Messiah.]

Well i was going to drop some feedback on this but after reading your piece and then reading Abiona's breakdown of it theres not much more I can add onto it. The piece was well written and you can see that your progressing so quickly which is good. You show alot of emotion in your writtens as Abiona states it sounded like it came straight from the heart and your imagery is good. The wording was a little choppy but it was nothing major and it can be fixed simply, your getting there Lauryn and in a couple of months I hope we don't battle because i think your gunna be a top poet on this site eventually. Use your potential wisely.

[Chris Black]

I refuse to hurt my eyeballs trying to read this. . .

[P. Mortuus]

This may come across as harsh but in the long run it'll help. Please do not try to be poetic by writing unnatural. A lot of lines would never be spoken in speech, you should read your poem to yourself and think how you can improve the word placement to make it read well as it currently seems less a poem, more a poem wannabe...I'd sugarcoat it but that won't help. Goodluck.

[SpitItReal27]

"Scarce is the direction my feelings feel"

For some reason, I really like that line. It comes across at first like it makes no sense, but then it hits me and I'm like, aha, I see what they could mean...

The piece itself is good for what it is, but it feels like it could have been so much stronger. Insecurities is something that has been used to death in poetry, and it just would have been nice to see an expansion on that and get some personal delivery on it too. But overall, decent piece.