First Post: Shudderin' Script

[Inke]

My shudderin' lips spark an idea I mustn't resist,
A sudden eclipse; I have proof you don't exist,
So, I lay low, in my safe home,
Revelation came after staring at your gravestone,
I grew up with christian books, magazines n vinyl,
If the books so important, why so many bibles?
I cease to feel surprised when teacher's teach us lies,
"God made grass green cuz it's easy on the eyes",
"Bullshit", I said, gettin a backhand from the teacher bitch,
"Surely after a million years our eyes have jus got used to it?
Where's the proof of it?" - I was ignored,
Finally got kicked out for writin' "BULLSHIT" on the board,
Cos they seek to slap kids who wish to seek all the facts,
Threaten with eternaty in hell: What's more evil than that?
So I'll pick a religion at random, stick with it 'n' stand strong,
- I guess I'll have to roll a dice to see which one it lands on...

My best guess for less stress is spiritual education,
Lets get blessed, accept checks, and ridicule the nation,
A vocal burst'll break the total curse of the broken church,
We've seen heaven 'n' hell, we've seen that they're both on earth!
A local nurse meets demons when they're buckled,
Come in with broken noses and leave with bloody knuckles,
They touch nerves, retards still learnin' cuss words,
The Pope says "Aids is bad, but condoms are much worse!"
So fuck church, and fuck him, don't let it get on top of me,
I ain't livin' within this blatent religious hypocracy,
It's plain to see - you can't go to war and say "IT CAME TO ME -
THROUGH GOD!" if he existed would say:
"DON'T MURDER IN THE NAME OF ME!"
It's a shame to see, soldier's exploited for their bravery,
How many more kids killed, for the sake of being saved or "free"?

Just a quick one... let me know what you think.

[Rebell]

So, I lay low, in my safe home,
Revelation came after staring at your gravestone,
I grew up with christian books, magazines n vinyl,
If the books so important, why so many bibles?

Sick line, it really touches me. Also..

"My best guess for less stress is spiritual education,"
This is cool.

"The Pope says "Aids is bad, but condoms are much worse!"
So fuck church, and fuck him, don't let it get on top of me,"
This is really talking bout some fucked up shit, liked these lyrics man. Can't criticize much just showin' ya what lines I liked.

[Intellexual]

My shudderin' lips spark an idea I mustn't resist,
A sudden eclipse; I have proof you don't exist,
Why did you sidestep "doesn't exist", after setting it up so well? Otherwise, the first verse properly establishes your topic.

Your transition into implications of religious warfare feels too abrupt. Having that as your conclusion leaves me wondering whether you would be better served by keeping the second verse as present consequences (whereas the first verse is and/or could be past experiences which justify or backup your perspective). Doing so should allow you to address religious warfare (future implications and consequences) and conclude therein smoothly.

As you may intend to put more work into this, I believe it's a remarkable draft with a lot of positives to pull from (as you polish it up). Cheers.

[Inke]

That's for the comments, much appreciated. Drop links if you got 'em.

[dlite]

this was pretty dope...

i really liked the topic and the imagery u employed throughout this piece

ever since i began studying philosophy of religion the blantant hyprocrisy that is a part of all major organized religions has become much more evident

the only true beliefs are the ones that YOU hold to be true...

nobody else can prove anything about spirituality beyond their own beliefs

neways good piece it made me think which is something that all good writing should do...

[FirstLook]

Bold topic and very thorough.

Religion is one of the biggest areas people will battle you on. Its only right you straight up call them out for what they claim.

That line about rollin the dice, made me think about how many religions there are. What, are they all right about salvation?


keep it up.