Thank You For The Flowers...

[Alphaeus]

Thank You For The Flowers
by Stock

My heart beats as flowers, fall perfectly on the vine.
My choice, it would entangle and rest, beside mine.
Write you a sonnet, with love expressed in every line.
I feel punishment, I never committed any crime

Now my heart, is firmly locked up with deep emotion
If our love was a fairytale, written to show our devotion,
I drank from the cup, which contained her love potion.
Perfectly handled, to catch the two vines entangled
My heart, the thorns, ripped me apart from the start

Your fast heart, the dark an ever depressing vein
Pulled up over time, your voice still controls my brain
I am asleep, but I feel awake, it's happening again
Love controls my thoughts, a second-hand, serenade

This love, is getting so much stronger by the day,
Putting into words, the feelings, I could never say...

As I lay this flower to rest, now dawn's another day
Let you free from my head, I am hanging on lose thread
That being said, you where my only, one first love
Thank you for the flowers, they will always be enough...

[Alphaeus]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-378540.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-377086.html

[Mauvais Loup]

nice piece here. i noticed a few grammar/spelling/punctuation errors so make sure you spell check your next piece.

flow was good for the most part. the one area i thought had bad flow was due to the extended pause you put somewhere i thought it wasn't needed.

rhyme scheme was cool.

vocab wasn't amazing, but it wasn't dull either.

imagery was decent.

emotion was good.

overall-you could probably get laid with that poem. good work.

[Tragedian.]

Your welcome, i hope they smell nice.

[Ntalek]

I thought this piece was cool thought he rhyme scheme was a bit on the simple side it allowed some good spots of imagery and emotion...You got some potential to be dope if you expand on your ideas and kinda step outside the box a bit..and work on your flow..everyone doesnt need to have multi's but internal rhymes will give your piece a smoother/better feel..but all in all this was a cool lil drop..keep writing..

[Tony B]

wow took a while to find somethin worth reading. guess i'll leave some feed here...

first thing i notice is that this is more poetic than open mic'ish. the 1 syllable rhyming doesn't really do it for me which is why i say i see this as more of a poem than anything else so i'll critique based on that assumption.

As I lay this flower to rest, now dawns another way

^^i'm not sure i'm reading this line correctly. should this have said, 'now dawn's another way' ? regardless, very emotional piece here. i liked the concept and loved the ending. simple but effective. if you're going to write on the topic of love, make it something different and creative which is what you did. cheers man...yes, i said cheers lol

[Tony B]

rtf?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ve-378626.html

[Chris Black]

This was okay. I see too many "I'm in love/love controls my life" pieces. Not that writing about love in itself is played out - it's just than no one gets innovative with it. This was standard, but I must say I loved the last two lines.

[Vincent Maestro]

Nice piece,,,,I took the story to be about a lost lover that maybe died.
very cool how the character in it was kinda writing an ode to its first true love and how its saying it'd never forget that person.

Very very deep man....you're really growing on me....your writes just have this calming vibe about them.

outt.

[Alphaeus]

Upping

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-385436.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ud-385248.html

[Soule]

Rhymescheme was real simple. Could have been a bit more portrayed but maybe that is just me. Yeah? Guess not, Ntalek said the same thing. But other then that this was a pretty cool piece. It actually seemed more like poetry then anything other then the structure you game it.. (which really, could be a lackbuster of a poetic structure anyways) Wording was pretty cool and the opening stanza has some nice emotion to it. Good piece, check out the piece I just posted up please.