The Rapper And The DJ

[Varentao]

Rap on,
Spit the mic wet,
Make yourself heard,
Except your every word.

Hide behind the bellicose,
Bopping on the spot,
The crowd's drunk anyway,
Doesn't matter what you got.

Scratch decks are searing,
His handwork your God,
Onlookers may be keeling,
But still they'd look agog.

Night's at an end,
DJ begins packing.
You take the applause,
A fraud,
Forever lacking.

EDIT:

TWO LINKS

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ar-376882.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ad-376176.html

[Jawn Raw]

2 links of feed to others poems and i'll feed this

feed my poem the land of living skies for one of your links

this will get closed if you dont post 2 links.

[Varentao]

Things have got stricter around here. Probably needed it.

I'll see how long your piece is and give it some feedback.

[Anchor]

I really enjoyed this. Sure, it was simple, but the descriptions were highly entertaining to me, and is the type of stuff I like to read. You really did a great job, keeping all of the stanzas somewhat cohesive. I've noticed on alot of online forums, people tend to stray away from a topic in order to insert long, uninteresting metaphors. I'd like to read more from you. Cheers.

[Varentao]

Yeah, that's what i generally go for, less is more.

I will say that stanzas themselves are there to be manipulated as long as they don't fall into chaos. Hence the apparent uneven nature of some of them in this piece.

Thanks.

[Alphaeus]

Yep, like what Anchor said, simple but never the less, an enjoyable piece. I liked the topic you chose also

Good piece

[Spoken]

This turned out nicely done....i loved how it was a haiku and not the usual FREEVERSE poems. kinda choppy...maybe you have it been at it long enough like before but definetly like how it turned out... not you rbest thats for sure but keep at it man and sharpen em haiku's and you'll be back in no time

[Spoken Deity]

The structure of Haiku was pretty cool... Different from what most people write with on RB.
You captured the story well, nothing seemed out of place. I dont know anything about Haikus though, not going to lie. I cant remember reading any of your stuff, but i'm super interested. Hope I can read your stuff in the future.

[Varentao]

It's actually not a haiku. Just a straight up short poem.

Thanks.

[Spoken Deity]

Not in the sense that it's syllables are set up like a haiku... but each stanza is short, compact and has a different meaning and place in the story as the one. It literally feels like 4-5 haikus in one.
After I posted it, I realized the syllables werent even set as a haiku though, haha

[Varentao]

^Yeah, i know what yer saying. Thanks.

[CALIPH80]

this was o.k.it was real short and stingy on the vocabulary.when writting a short poem it is better to use stronger vocab because it becomes harde to create a image with so few words.you kinda fell short in the department.it needs a little work but with a few changes can be improved to a decent piece.

[Varentao]

^I disagree. Throwing big words in a piece just for the sake of it's one of the worst things you can do. Possible lack of imagery, but as you say, it's a short piece and it's the sparse nature of it that is what's meant to make it. Not saying it's any good, just that i don't agree with your critique.

Elaborate if you can.

[CALIPH80]

i was'nt saying that you should just throw in big words for the sake of bigger words.what i meant was sometimes a bigger word can hold more meaning.it seemed to end much too quickly and the simplicity of the poem made the imagery harder to see.most of us onthis site can relate because we listen to hip hop but can you make a person who does'nt listen to hip hop see what we see.i think this poem failed to do that and that is why i think maybe you should have tried something to add a little bit more life to it.it is good but I am a very tough critic to win over.i'll check on your future work.maybe it is just too short and simple for my taste.just my thoughts though so maybe i'm wrong and someone may feel this is a perfect poem.

[Varentao]

^^Nah, that critique's better. I get your point better now.

Basically i wrote it for a hip-hop audience. And it was meant to be short and not too elaborate, evocative of the sparseness of haikus and other such styles of poetry.

I try not to throw too much obvious imagery in to pieces. It was more psychological and fragmented. I will say that i'm not sure what other words would've made a difference. I do strongly disagree with you on that.

BUT, i do agree that it probably should've had a couple more stanzas which probably would've allowed me to build up the overall message a bit better. It was a fairly quick write.

I will say that most of the pieces I do, like when i take a shit (cos that's what they are, shit), are quite sparse, following the mantra of 'less is more'.

Thanks for your critique. The main reason I post up on here is to do a bit of literary debating and help others elevate.