We don't Speak Anymore

[Split.]

As complicated as it seems
it was really quite simple
she'd drizzle words
and I'd accept with quiet dismissal
A brush of the shoulder
matched by a careless touch
all the while masking truth
with an "I care Thiiiiiiis much"
A rush of emotion; fleeting.
throw a pinch of hope in; bleeding
leaving behind the commotion
and needing, still broken
and unbelieving
this thieving scoundrels
out on the next ship sailing
to cross an ocean of painful
memories, to the coasts
with honesty prevailing
I feel we're failing
and failure shouldn't be an option
so I'm chaulkin it up as good times
flashin' peace and then I'm walkin
I can't say that it was bad
I can't tell you that it was good
but I'm glad for times we had
I wouldn't take 'em back if I could
we should stop the marchin'
about face and save a little grace
rejuvinate our souls
and chase away this bitter taste
this years been a waste
and I'm tired of eatin' words
that've been thrown back in my face
with a smile and a purr
defiled and unpure,
silent as your demure
angry at the man in the mirror
to upset to feel the fear

[LedgenZ]

I thought this was basic and way, way, way, below your standard. I read your pieces in the short story forum and honestly I was blown away. Your sense of description and way with words is ten levels above the majority of the site, but this, this wasn't bad, just wasn't anything great, it was just ordinary. And I'm not hating, cause I'm actually a fan of your writing, I really am, I just don't think this piece showcased any of your true potential. If you were a newb I'd probably be less harsh, but your one of the guys who's suppose to set the bar....lol I don't know maybe my criticism is a bit harsh and blown out of proportion, I was probably just expecting too much. Either way decent read, simple scheme, and hmmmm you lacked a shit load of metaphores...lol...I'm laughing but its true. Don't take it the wrong way man, I'm not dissing you, your one of my favorite writers, I just wish you would have dug deeper....that's all. pZ

[Split.]

^word man, I really do appreciate the honest feedback.. I've been in kind of a rut for the past couple months.. Mostly due to the fact that I havn't really had a chance to write. This was the first thing that I've written that stretched past 5-6 lines, lol. A little rusty I guess you could say. Thanks for the feedback on my short story, I'm going to get back to yours here in a few minutes.