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Thread: Death on the stairs

  1. #1
    Black Dot Biography!
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    Death on the stairs

    Foreword; this is an addition to the previous poem in its timeline - Don't tell me, Guinness


    Egg nodded in his dull comprehending manner.

    The tiny market square they stood in, sheltered by walls and a ceiling,

    seemed to shrink in around O'Shea as his anger boiled, craving the foremost

    authority.

    He stood, primitive, and gargled through a retired tongue.

    "... My kids are to be colleged, man.

    For when they arrive, i shall not be less or more

    than i am more or less! Moral-less, for your corporate jungle

    has forced me above to the highest tree of disgrace, so

    if it comes fist to rifle, then death on the stairs would i love!"

    "Well what would you have me do?" Egg billowed through a wheezy chuckle.

    Liam bound back in a swift move of disgust, his veins throbbing

    through the miranda of cracks in his worn flesh.

    It was not a matter of circumstance that brought these together.

    It was a matter of delegation.

    It was not a matter of matters which mattered, or mattered to those who
    matter the most.

    "Mark my... WELL YOU TELL ME, EGG - FOR YOU ARE THE OFFICER,

    AND I AM THE FELLOW.

    DOES IT NOT SEEM CLEAR TO YOU, THAT I AM HERE TO HEAR FROM YOU?

    IS IT NOT IN SUCH A THEME, THAT GREEN AND BLUE MAKE YELLOW? NO!

    I STAND FOR YOU, UNDER YOUR NAUSIOUS BREATH OF AIR-CON"

    The unnerving pause after 'air-con' sent Mr. Egg into a spin,

    and he promptly corrected the accusation, turning the office

    into a furnace where it was catalyst to any number of

    untamed reactions.

    "TO PROVIDE MY FAMILY THEIR GOODIE BAGS, TO SLAG OFF ALL

    THE CRACKPOT HAGS, TO BAG MYSELF - A LIKELY LAD - THAT CHANCE

    I MIGHT HAVE HAD AND GRABBED,

    NABBED THE BACK OF TABS I SEE

    to provide me and my family, our goodie bags"






    [edited structure to match previous]
    Last edited by Dat; July 18th, 2006 at 09:40 AM
    PE|WV

  2. #2
    Black Dot Biography!
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    Upping for a bit of feedback.
    PE|WV

  3. #3
    Soule
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    Hmm...I liked the wordplay used in this peice. And the flow you used as well. Though I can not say you had a great structrwe but oh well. The creativtry could have been better but the imagenary was nice. The story is self was...weird but very well done. I give you a 8-10. Keep writing.

    ~LeX

  4. #4
    I got fire! Rah Gwahn's Avatar
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    Lol at putting a rating out of ten on a poem, and not understanding the structure.

    Thanks anyway.

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  5. #5
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Lmao, goodie bags is dope... I liked this a lot.. the description was nice, and i love the abstract taste in the vocabularic (word??) description.. nice peice, the inners in poetry might've not done unporpuse, or the moral-less stanza, but regardless it was adding a nice Om touch to poetry.. it made a short-storyt like piece flow well... nice.

    Hit up "Goodnight, Snow White"

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  6. #6
    I got fire! Rah Gwahn's Avatar
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    G'up.

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