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Thread: Crushing Me.....

  1. #1
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    Smile Crushing Me.....

    I'm Hurting Deep Inside And I'm Falling Apart,
    From the Beggining to The Start Yo' He Had My Heart,
    And When We'd Part I'd Weep Deep In Myself,
    Drowning In My Own Tears I needed His Help,
    He was there For Me Always When I was Feeling Blue,
    I'd Cut My Self Deep But If Only He Knew,
    How Much I Loved Him And My Love Grew,
    Because It Felt So Strong And It Felt So True,
    But I Would Always Love Him Even If He Didn't,
    I'd Go To Sleep Thinkin' 'bout Him My World Was Spinnin',
    Screamin' And Shoutin' Feels Like I'm Bleeding,
    But My Lifes About Him And It Feels So Decieving,
    He Left Me Hangin' Without Even A Whisper of Love,
    The Hope That I was Gaining Ran Deep In the Mud,
    But I See Clearly And I'm Still Hurtin'
    Coz My Love For Him Is A Flame That Will Always Be Burnin',
    And It's Concerning The Way That I Feel,
    I Can't Let Go. Coz It Just Doesn't Seem Real,
    And I know That Loves What I Feel
    For Him Always But It's Makin' Me Ill,
    But Still I miss Him And Talk In My Sleep,
    Tossin' And Turnin' About Him That I Speak,
    My Stomach's Churnin' And My Waters Run Deep,
    Coz I Miss His Touch And Pains The Feeling I Reap,
    I Cry For Hours Hoping He'll Hear
    Rejection Of His Love Was My Most Biggest Fear,
    And My Tears Filled With All Of My Emotions,
    The Rage The Hate And My Love Keeps On Going,
    And I'd Keep On Cryin' So Much That I had The Notion,
    That If I Kept On Crying I Could Drown A Ocean,
    And His Love Was Defying And My Tears Kept On Flowing,
    Would Need A Tissue For My Nose And I'd Keep On Blowing,
    But It's Hard Knowing What True Love Is,
    Especially When Your Young During Your Teenage Years,
    But That's How I felt And Love Hurts
    If It Feels So Bad You Know Lower Than Dirt,
    Than It Must Be Love And Love Is The Word,
    That I found Hardest To Say To Someone That Diserves,
    Love Said To Them But I'm Still In Pain,
    Coz The Love That I Was Feeling Was Only Pretend.

    Shorty7~
    Cassidy

  2. #2
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    uppin
    Cassidy

  3. #3
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    nice, needs work on an few key areas like the structure don't really feel it fit this poem as well as you may have thought, the topic was pretty simple and the poem it self was pretty predictable the story line was alright you showed the transition between one phase to another at witch i was feeling, vocab was cliche, like i said they're an few things that needs work but overall it got the message through, keep writting fam. can you rtf on my peace reclaimation of an dream

  4. #4
    artist - writer - muse gémeaux's Avatar
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    I got into the flow of this, but the topic was mediocre for me. I felt like you were just repeating the same things over an over, like you were running out of something else worthwhile to say, so said the same thing in different ways. It could use a little thought as far as that goes.

  5. #5
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    Well for starters your structure needs alot of work...i think your passion is there, your thoughts are there but need to let it flow out of your mind, you know? its seems you rushed this or tried to put too much thought into this...remember all masterpieces dont take a hour it could take 5 minutes. i don't know you but i definetly think you have potential to do better....you just gotta feel it and when its really good you are goin to know and you-won't even have 2 ask....keep doin what you do baby...5 out 10 on on my scale...peace
    Last edited by DuN DEaL; December 1st, 2006 at 12:49 AM

  6. #6
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    thanks heaps guyz fo the feedback really appreciate it helps me to improve you kno so keep it up
    Cassidy

  7. #7
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    Still uppin' niggaz
    Cassidy

  8. #8
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    this was iight i mean nothing WOW and AWESOME just something o a topic you knew about and you elaborated with such metaphors and a emotion of such that you grasped it so well and just broke it down... nice job i mean i aint saying this i shit im just sayin... your good and getting better just keep dropping and takin in others advice i used to write poetry like you believe it or not but since then i started taking in others advice like poeta, witness, mindless, sharp, atticus, exact, baron P. i took all of there tips in using metaphors and placings of word sentencing and vocab and i have gotten a bit more broad in the case of poetry so nic job you wil elevate with the content you have nice job.

    RTF on eighter links in my sig.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  9. #9
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    YeA ThAnKs MeTh MaD ShIz
    Cassidy

  10. #10
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    Although i'm not a topical head...this is a decent piece..I seen/felt the emotion behind it but the vocabulary was pretty predictable and simple..it has great potential though..

  11. #11
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    Re: Crushing Me.....

    itz good

    but i hope your not dat hurt

    stay up
    Mak'in History!!

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