¤|-.War.-|¤.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

In the mist of the war..
The battle field is filled with..
Stinch from the corpse..
And the pit of the floor..
Is covered with bodies..
Ripped up by swords..
There's no where to sit..
So we all sit on a skull..
Trying to start a fire..
As the trenches get cold..
The only thing to eat..
Is bisquits with mold..
When there's nothing to do..
We all whip up a note..
Or sometimes we just..
Sit there or script up a poem..
And send it to our parents..
That are sitting at home..
Thats the only way to communicate..
Since there's no phones..
Bored out of our minds..
And sick to our souls..
Half of the soilders..
Are wishing they're home..

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Can i get some feed back please?

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Bump #2


Can I get some critqie back please, lemme know what I need to work on.

[Mesmerize]

Pretty decent drop. The structure and flow was pretty nice in this. Ive seen this concept done before so one thing that i noticed was the lack of emotion. Imagery was pretty decent, although i think you could have worded this to be more intriquing to the reader. But the main thing you need to work on is finding a way of conveying a deeper emotion that will connect with the reader. Keep dropping though, this will come as you write more.

peace,
Mez

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Pretty decent drop. The structure and flow was pretty nice in this. Ive seen this concept done before so one thing that i noticed was the lack of emotion. Imagery was pretty decent, although i think you could have worded this to be more intriquing to the reader. But the main thing you need to work on is finding a way of conveying a deeper emotion that will connect with the reader. Keep dropping though, this will come as you write more.

peace,
Mez

This was the first poem I've done, I had to do it for english class, Thanks for the crit tho.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

BUMP # 3


Lets get some mroe feed plz.


C'mon

[2many]

it waz a ight piece i could visualize it all but same thing it juss need more emoztion

[..Vendetta..]

Nice piece Man Imagery Was Cool Vocabulary Was Nice Weerd

[ALEXE]

In the mist of the war..
The battle field is filled with..
Stinch from the corpse..
And the pit of the floor..
*cool, good imagery, good vocab*

Is covered with bodies..
Ripped up by swords..
There's no where to sit..
So we all sit on a skull..
*okay, pretty dope, great imagery*

Trying to start a fire..
As the trenches get cold..
The only thing to eat..
Is bisquits with mold..
*great imagination, you read alot, i can see that, good job by now*

When there's nothing to do..
We all whip up a note..
Or sometimes we just..
Sit there or script up a poem..
*nice, this was a good touch*

And send it to our parents..
That are sitting at home..
Thats the only way to communicate..
Since there's no phones..
*this was pretty plain, pretty direct speech, u cud've expand this and dramatize it more*

Bored out of our minds..
And sick to our souls..
Half of the soilders..
Are wishing they're home..
*yeah, this was cool, pretty dope for a first poem, and i started my shit the same way (for school) but mine was less artistical than this
respect
1*

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Thanks for the feed will try and put more emotion in my next one.

[Steer]

that was sweet man.

[Tourniquet]

I thought the absence of emotion was deliberate considering the content.
Often soldiers in that situation become numb to feeling, a defence mechanism when surrounded with death and the promise of it.

Vocab was a little slopppy, some simple spelling mistakes. Take the time to clean it up. Dont end the lines with ...

Keep writing.

[Killa-Mic]

yeah keep writing its not that bad to me but to many other people it will be

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

^^I'll keep that in mind.

[Piscean Twin]

Hm, a bit too basic and instead of relaying a strong, sad, hard-hitting sentiment about war, it was like you stated some obvious things eg

That’s the only way to communicate
Since there’s not phones

That's how I saw it. keep dropping

Peace