"Chronicles of the Wanderer II" by Soule & Cody Nash

Part 1:http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-and-Cody-Nash

https://i.imgur.com/8Y1M8mU.jpg

Approaching Gaia, a planet surrounded by jungle and beasts,
where Aquatica struggles to swing the battle, the outcome seems troubling.
A rocket nearly clips the wing, he must prepare an emergency landing,
hidden in the forestry where wildlife hopelessly hides, withstanding.
He normally wouldn't interfere, but he has a soft spot for innocent lives,
can't stand by as animals and citizens die, charges his shields, readies his mind.
A deathsquad approaches from the West, unaware of the barrage of mines,
as the explosions are triggered he delivers killing blows through the mirage of light.
Cutting through spines, reflecting lasers through eyes, a survivor attempts to flee,
as roots attack his knees and a creature with kinetic teeth rip out his arteries.
Alarming speed, fangs attracted to flesh, pulls them taut like a magnet,
intestines curl around incisors til they’re inside of the fabric…
Skin made of water? makes a drink - bags designed to be ravaged,
weakened by suicidal attacks on creatures writhing in panic,
Horse-like beasts just collapsing and undeservedly savaged…
Riders on their back ends as they’re ripped from their carriage…
Despair and dismay, the Wanderer’s pained, Aquatica collapses…
He looks upon all the death and just wonders what happened,
He makes way through the treetops as small animals pass him
They swerve under like he’s a trap and his blades are beast catchers.
He discovers the base where Atticus plans their next assault,
"Delta... I have coordinates, on my sign, hit it with everything we've got."
"I sense zero causalities in the area, missiles on standby..."
but before he can give the orders, he spots a recon unit, hands high.
"Hold that, they have POWs now, let me handle this first..."
he leaps in with his sword and begins to dismantle the soldiers.
It's like watching a purge, the way he cuts through shoulders,
the Aquaticans live in icy waters... his essence feels colder.
As the last Attican hits the ground, he warns them to escape,
"I'm going to destroy this place, you'd be smart to run away..."
One warrior ignores and comes to his aide, this Aquatican beastly,
Taking up arms for our wanderer’s meeting..
Arm in arm through the seeds of these beasts on the walls,
They tear apart everything - leaving nothing at all…
“Delta, the bomb…” our Wanderer calls…
The large Aquatican follows and holds a beast by its jaw…
This Aquatican special - he’s not weak to their power!
As he exposes the throat, purple blood reigns like showers…
“KA-BOOM!” the base explodes into brimstone and retires -
As this part of Gaia begins burning in fire…
The Aquatican brings him to Gaia's commanding peers,
"while we appreciate your heroism, what's your purpose here?"
The wanderer stands in silence, sensing the tension in their blood,
"I'm sure you can tell I'm not an Attican... I'd recommend lowering your guns...
people who threaten me don't live long, so I'll only warn you once..."
the air begins to thin as the Aquaticans show some trust.
They sheath their weapons, and apologize for appearing at odds,
"surely in our predicament, you can understand maintaining our guard.
we're at war, and we're losing, the Attican empire is vast,
but the way you attack, like a phantom slipping through the cracks."
The Wanderer smirks, but then remembers his purpose…
“I’m here because destiny has made me come to for your burdens…
I know not why I’m here, but this place seems perverted -
by beasts from a planet that are not of these workings?”
Aquatica’s King then steps forward to speak,
“I feel your energy cleanly and purpose you seek…
There’s a water based planet that was Gaia’s relief…
But we have a mole there now, she’s the Attican Princess…
Her people sent monsters to relinquish our interests,
Yet we fight from her warning - she told what she witnessed…
Attican armies that were taken by vengeance.
Her father wants the power from our Aquatican blood,
They want to harvest our planet and rip the air from our lungs…”

The wanderer nods, "I'll meet this princess and consider your pain,"
as he turns, he's stopped, "before you leave, may I ask for your name?"
The hero removes his cloak, silver hair covers his face...
"let's just say... I'm the shadow people see when they gaze into flames..."

"So, to Pacifica, a planet under the sea. Where our hero seeks the Princess for a reason to be. He leaves Gaia, with hope in his heart. Drifting through the universe, alone in the dark. Will she fill his void, or just another stone on the trail? We'll find out next month in the third part of our tale..."

Approaching Gaia, a planet surrounded by jungle and beasts,
where Aquatica struggles to swing the battle, the outcome seems troubling.
A rocket nearly clips the wing, he must prepare an emergency landing,
hidden in the forestry where wildlife hopelessly hides, withstanding.
Really interesting intro here. Also the beat has a nice tap tap to it.
Not overly filled with rhymes and not needing it, I'm glad you worked it like this.
Because of the atmosphere created, the reader...me...finds a nice subtle rhyme
works well here.
He normally wouldn't interfere, but he has a soft spot for innocent lives,
can't stand by as animals and citizens die, charges his shields, readies his mind.
...Classy descriptions supporting the bigger picture. Like that last line leaving me in anticipation...
A deathsquad approaches from the West, unaware of the barrage of mines,
as the explosions are triggered he delivers killing blows through the mirage of light.
Cutting through spines, reflecting lasers through eyes, a survivor attempts to flee
as roots attack his knees and a creature with kinetic teeth rip out his arteries.
The descriptions are powerful. The flow is so sweet. And the atmosphere thick.
Well done translating it to the audience.
Alarming speed, fangs attracted to flesh, pulls them taut like a magnet,
intestines curl around incisors til they’re inside of the fabric…
Ugh...friggen stunning -- those last two lines especially; I could say them over and over.
The beat and imagery in those words - divine.
Skin made of water? makes a drink - bags designed to be ravaged,
weakened by suicidal attacks on creatures writhing in panic,
Horse-like beasts just collapsing and undeservedly savaged…
Riders on their back ends as they’re ripped from their carriage…
Definitely my type of rhymes right here. Again, not overly loaded but hits the spot perfectly.
Just goes to show that end rhymes, when done well pack a total punch and hit you in the guts
as if it's full to the brim, as if its overflowing. It feels overflowing because of the lead up to the end rhymes,
because of the sensational build.
Despair and dismay, the Wanderer’s pained, Aquatica collapses…
He looks upon all the death and just wonders what happened,
There's a lot to say about clean cut writing.
These two lines right here are clean and sharp imo and it's no shocker
I love them. Top job.
He makes way through the treetops as small animals pass him
They swerve under like he’s a trap and his blades are beast catchers.
He discovers the base where Atticus plans their next assault,
"Delta... I have coordinates, on my sign, hit it with everything we've got."
The first two lines here threw my flow off a tad but was redeemed by those last two lines,
they held the authority needed to throw me back into the mix of mayhem and make me
forget I'm reading again.
"I sense zero causalities in the area, missiles on standby..."
but before he can give the orders, he spots a recon unit, hands high.
"Hold that, they have POWs now, let me handle this first..."
he leaps in with his sword and begins to dismantle the soldiers.
It's like watching a purge, the way he cuts through shoulders,
the Aquaticans live in icy waters... his essence feels colder.
Well done evoking the feelings you want the audience to feel. You're able to
make them connect to the message in this work.
As the last Attican hits the ground, he warns them to escape,
"I'm going to destroy this place, you'd be smart to run away..."
Clean, precise, love it.
One warrior ignores and comes to his aide, this Aquatican beastly,
Taking up arms for our wanderer’s meeting..
Arm in arm through the seeds of these beasts on the walls,
They tear apart everything - leaving nothing at all…
“Delta, the bomb…” our Wanderer calls…
The large Aquatican follows and holds a beast by its jaw…
You've done well to not only hold the beat here but also the tension and suspense.
Not an easy feat but you pulled it off.
This Aquatican special - he’s not weak to their power!
As he exposes the throat, purple blood reigns like showers…
“KA-BOOM!” the base explodes into brimstone and retires -
As this part of Gaia begins burning in fire…
Imagery reins supreme. Great job.
The Aquatican brings him to Gaia's commanding peers,
"while we appreciate your heroism, what's your purpose here?"
The wanderer stands in silence, sensing the tension in their blood,
"I'm sure you can tell I'm not an Attican... I'd recommend lowering your guns...
people who threaten me don't live long, so I'll only warn you once..."
Great authoritarian tone delivered well, believably and with class.
the air begins to thin as the Aquaticans show some trust.
They sheath their weapons, and apologize for appearing at odds,
Little lines like this throw my pace off just a tiny weeny little bit right at the end.
I mean because of the writing being so good- its no biggie -, but just thought I'd put it out there that
I get not everything has to rhyme. In fact I kind of like it when it doesnt. But sometimes, a word here and
there make me think about its placement. Mind you, I've not fed in such a long time so excuse me if I've missed
something on my second read. Sometimes a more obvious pace can be picked up when it's read again.
"surely in our predicament, you can understand maintaining our guard.
we're at war, and we're losing, the Attican empire is vast,
but the way you attack, like a phantom slipping through the cracks."
The Wanderer smirks, but then remembers his purpose…
“I’m here because destiny has made me come to for your burdens…
That's great. Beautiful lines.
I know not why I’m here, but this place seems perverted -
by beasts from a planet that are not of these workings?”
Aquatica’s King then steps forward to speak,
“I feel your energy cleanly and purpose you seek…
There’s a water based planet that was Gaia’s relief…
Flow: Water off a ducks back. Stunning.
But we have a mole there now, she’s the Attican Princess…
Her people sent monsters to relinquish our interests,
Yet we fight from her warning - she told what she witnessed…
Attican armies that were taken by vengeance.
Her father wants the power from our Aquatican blood,
They want to harvest our planet and rip the air from our lungs…”
I have time for this type of writing. I like that you haven't bogged the audience.

The wanderer nods, "I'll meet this princess and consider your pain,"
as he turns, he's stopped, "before you leave, may I ask for your name?"
The hero removes his cloak, silver hair covers his face...
"let's just say... I'm the shadow people see when they gaze into flames..."

"So, to Pacifica, a planet under the sea. Where our hero seeks the Princess for a reason to be. He leaves Gaia, with hope in his heart. Drifting through the universe, alone in the dark. Will she fill his void, or just another stone on the trail? We'll find out next month in the third part of our tale..."

Beautiful outro. Well worded. Everything's in motion and moving forward beautifully.

Fellas, top job with this collab. It was smooth sailing for the main part. I stumbled on a few words at the end of lines (I'm pulling at strings -you realise) but that could be me, its been a while and I could have read it one more time. Being a big piece though I just wanted to start the feed so I only read it twice. I love how you've got an ending 'starting something' in the outro; makes me look forward to more.
This piece had a beautiful pace where there's no turning back, where everything is in motion and moving nicely, words tumbling down the piece by turning points keeping me here.
A few hicups in my flow, but all in all, I'm in awe of good writing.
This is really good writing.


Top job Fellas,

Pleasure to read and feed

Thank you

- - - Updated - - -

One more thing, the joint partnership in writing here was so streamline, If I didn't know I'd not be able to tell where one writer started and the other finished.
That's not an easy thing to do but you guys were able to have that H2O affect from Alpha to Omega.
Hats off.

in the first half there was a lot of sick imagery

Quote:

---

Alarming speed, fangs attracted to flesh, pulls them taut like a magnet,
intestines curl around incisors til they’re inside of the fabric
Skin made of water? makes a drink - bags designed to be ravaged,
weakened by suicidal attacks on creatures writhing in panic,

---

was my shit

intestines twirling around and shit made for very vivid and descriptive storytelling and all pops really well when reading through. The second half really turns up the narration and i have a love hate relationship with this. i know that its driving the story and necessary for progression, i do it myself because pieces like this dictate that its done. . . it horrible for my attention deficit though lol... (after stopping to read back the through the second half again).....

yea, i really like that the wording is matched perfect to the dialogue and the overall tone. im sure i said this about the first entry, but it plays out very cinematically like im rapping out a screen play... dope work here fellas, cool seeing the story progress and even though it seems a bit long at first glance the flow and everything is so smooth that it makes for a quick read and you give us just enough of an end that it sets up the next but remains satisfying .....

thumbs up