First piece

Sacrificing train of thought my sanity has given way to open minded visions
Nuclear waste accumulates drown the world in pity as it dies just listen
The fore fathers before our father had a plan serenity with love joy
Ruined by the black devil and gold devil green eyed beasts make tranquility null and void
Decaying the very essence of wat we thought humanity shuld consist of
It seems as if peace is on the move flying on a steady plane that missed us
Caught up in daily troubles fighting inner battles excorsizing our own demons
Self centered fuck the world and the moon and stars can hear the globe screaming 
Waste a way the days wen men threw gold away to find a better place
But now we bite the hands that feed us drawing blood from life just to profit from a taste

I'll have links as soon as I'm home from school (2ish)

You remind me a lot of how I was when I started to get into writing back when I was 16....Jesus, 8 years ago now.

Anyways, you obviously have a lot to say, but learn to condense it. Say what needs to be said and forget the filler. Practice writing to a beat. This will be the absolute best way to start condensing your lines and forming an actual structure to your pieces. Remember, these pieces are meant to be read, so they have to flow to the reader. Punctuation is key with written pieces.

For instance:
"The fore fathers before our father had a plan serenity with love joy
Ruined by the black devil and gold devil green eyed beasts make tranquility null and void"

Just a quick edit:

The men before our fathers had a plan:
Serenity with love and joy.
Ruined by the black and gold devils,
Green-eyed beasts; tranquility's null and void.

It is something you just have to keep working at. You'll be surprised at how you'll just naturally transform your style over time. You won't even notice the changes until you go back and read some of your older stuff.

Pretty much everything he said was on point, but I'll reiterate it. With poems you get this incredible high off of writing, you don't have to follow a structure, just let your emotions spill out, like he said, forget the filler. Don't think about multies or rhyme schemes. But the kid above me said it all. Nice drop

thanks fr the feed guys

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MuhThugga

You remind me a lot of how I was when I started to get into writing back when I was 16....Jesus, 8 years ago now.

Anyways, you obviously have a lot to say, but learn to condense it. Say what needs to be said and forget the filler. Practice writing to a beat. This will be the absolute best way to start condensing your lines and forming an actual structure to your pieces. Remember, these pieces are meant to be read, so they have to flow to the reader. Punctuation is key with written pieces.

For instance:
"The fore fathers before our father had a plan serenity with love joy
Ruined by the black devil and gold devil green eyed beasts make tranquility null and void"

Just a quick edit:

The men before our fathers had a plan:
Serenity with love and joy.
Ruined by the black and gold devils,
Green-eyed beasts; tranquility's null and void.

It is something you just have to keep working at. You'll be surprised at how you'll just naturally transform your style over time. You won't even notice the changes until you go back and read some of your older stuff.

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pretty much i co-sign.. but in the future you have to not write your structure that way its takes away from the quality of your poetry by having your lines that way it reads as a battle verse more then a poem. its not organized work on that an wording. your choice of words effects the outcome.