Printable View
Y'all should know the rules by now.
50 Line Limit
Verses due Friday, 11:59PM PT
Votes due Sunday, 11:59PM PT
3-0 = KO, anything else is first to five
As it's a non challenge week, there'll be a topics list. Pick at least one topic from the list and use it in your piece or suffer the consequences
Best of luck to both!
@Phalanx
vs
@Spoken
Here
He was...
... Always picked last when it came to diving the teams,
Irrational with an ironclad piping of dreams.
Halfway house; could never really fathom a me,
The silhouette dancer- just wanting nothing to be.
Daylight savings...fasting away like debris,
The padded room with his thoughts asking to breathe.
How could it be?... He questioned often times; the ponderer,
As he grew from misled prophets of waverly wanderers.
The knucklehead told to believe; mask up or get left and dropped
Who wore his heart on a sleeve but prayed every sunday round the clock.
Who'd beg for some things and other times just grab and cop,
Who lived where smiles are free yet happiness cropped.
Forced a while to be the darkness that lurked the pavement,
Foster child that never found a home just visitation arrangements.
Interviews by the dozen , left with empty papers that lay wasted,
Could never count on a hundred cause percentiles would always base it-
Off of algorithms but struggled to remember the basics,
Being happy is an outdoor system but first you need to make it.
You couldnt gather your words to even speak on his level,
If you havent walked in his shoes then you only skipped pebbles.
.
.
.
He steered in wrong directions but never his wish for a family,
Whether it was pin coats or loud bass bumpin' from out a camry..
He only knew what he loved, outside noise was just static,
Tuned into street drugs because it would accept how he acted.
Kept pushing the boundaries till his innocence capped it,
No more tears near the foundry just blood stains between the axis.
He moved on through, every crevice just smoked and used,
The laughter became his reckoning and antics croaked and left too.
.
.
.
At the garden of eden trying to suffice my needs,
Antitoxins of this heathen began to fight , whine, plead.
Barely scratching the surface but scratching was hurting,
The urge became a purpose not my actions weren't working.
No need to worry as i found my family within these screams,
My great jubilee here is my ode to the three kings
.
.
-The heroin, spoon and syringe
Your love is like the ocean...So much to explore...
From the icy depths, to the warm sand upon your shore...
You crash upon me like a wave, in your warmth I am surrounded.
Yet every time I take a swim, of course I am astounded...
You are boundless...No way to measure your profoundness..
Even gathered up in gallons, I doubt that I could count it.
I could swim for days....Simply coasting on your currents.
Every motion is just perfect...I am hopeless, and its certain...
Simply floating on your surface.
I cannot see the bottom, honestly I do not think it ends.
Its sinking in...I dream about the deeper ends.
Some shit came up, and I havent asked for an extension in my life. Not going to start now. Was going for the 20,000 leagues topic, and going to make a metaphor for a relationship. Anyways, my apologies.
Spoken - pretty nice little piece, your wording was pretty tight and I liked the level of vocabulary that you used, poetic sounding lines I especially like the scratching the surface/scratching was hurting line. Always a big fan of flips like that was it was worded elegantly.
Phalanx - should’ve just asked for an ext mate hahaha shame because this had potential to be a dope piece, flowed well some nice metaphors and was an enjoyable little read for what it was.
V/spoken
Well, he had a 12 hour extension but life happens so it is what it is.
Spoken, much better than last week's. Not entirely keen on some of the wording choices. Maybe it's the language barrier, maybe it was a lack of revising, but 'diving the teams' didn't make a lot of sense to me for example. Or "fathom a me" "he questioned often times". Just small things that read awkwardly and could've been moved around. Otherwise it was a very complete piece and a solid narration with minor issues. Good job.
Phal, sucks that something came up as I was looking forward to this battle. Not gonna give too much feedback as there were some gems in here and some moments where I could tell you were pressed for time. Hope next week is better to you.
Vote Spoken for obvious reasons.
Spoken had a really well written drop here! I liked it start to finish and didn't find any hiccup or blip in the writing for me. the journey of the character and the emotion were prominent in the drop, so it was more of a reflective emotional roller coaster of a read to me. I could see the struggle and back and forth the character was having and it was a poetically written drop. It read smooth and I have no issues with it personally. Was feeling this and it would've been a great contender against a full length piece...
Phalanx the writing was good but obviously some more depth would've been the decider for your battle here. I feel like it was going a good direction and even seeing the finished version pop up in OM one day wouldn't make me mad. But here it fell short about 20-30 lines and I just feel like you were outwritten purely on content alone. Wish you'd had more time!
Vote Spoken
Spoken wins 3-0.