RULES ARE SIMPLE
NO CHECK, VERSES MUST BE POSTED BY 11/17
BATTLE WILL BE VOTED ON BY MODS
48 LINE LIMIT
OPEN TOPIC
@King Prince @HighEngineChief
EXTENSION GRANTED 24HR BEFORE DEADLINE, PM ME AND POST REQUEST IN CHAT....
GOOD LUCK
RULES ARE SIMPLE
NO CHECK, VERSES MUST BE POSTED BY 11/17
BATTLE WILL BE VOTED ON BY MODS
48 LINE LIMIT
OPEN TOPIC
@King Prince @HighEngineChief
EXTENSION GRANTED 24HR BEFORE DEADLINE, PM ME AND POST REQUEST IN CHAT....
GOOD LUCK
metuo
Summer night’s in crumpled dive bars drinking up another lie
Clutching tight to smokey days yet so surprised they slip away
Though we just may drift astray the tide will drag us up from time
And once again this rum will cry from hollow eyes distilled with pain
This inner space that once confined my sins has finally come to light
Thoughts I cringe confronting twist my stomach as I lick the plate
Swallow all my pride and then I piss away my fucking life
Cause when the party’s over I’m still out looking for pills to take
To fill this aching hole up starving sober feed me crushed up lines
Dealt a hand of spades- what else can I do but dig my grave ?
Pilfered rays of hope from wilting street lamps flicker mustard white
In gray bastions of moonlight knowing they are but a brilliant fake
Still sedated spilling drank on my shirt and my tongue is dry
The Sun will shine again but I can’t sleep and it’s three fifty-eight
I’m still awake in shuttered fright from a vision that I should die
And never again see the horizon shine upon the city grey
desperatio
The liver quakes a rotten thunder shocking shutter of the flesh
Till sudden sweats and shaking gets to be a lot to drop this umbra
Follows me at ever step, reminds me of the ones I left
Behind and on the cusp of death to get high in my mamma’s Tundra
Lost my brother to a needle on the cupboard by my desk
Where I would write when we were younger and our broken hearts had hunger
And a lust unquenched to want the very things we should object
The fever dreams of bloody sex and drugs we both got caught up under
I look up at God and wonder what pain he might cook up next
The butcher blessed the body’s serpent bursts out of my mother’s chest
A glob destruction robbed her of her life God why you take them from us!
Staring in the mirror all the faces that I loved are dead
Hung my head and walked alone among the bones of monsters sundered
Thinking bout my mamma’s Tundra, thinking bout what could have been
All this time spent looking in only to find more darkness touching
Everything in sight- Lord, will anything be good again?
concino
For penny dreams I push the pen against the skin of these white pages
Dig it in and bleed my anguish down where these blue lines run red
With eyes like two sapphire corpses wet in my imagination
I can hear their laughter traipsing overtop death’s silent steps
Such delights have violent ends if only life could be backspaced then
I’d go home and masturbate then lie in bed in my own mess
I ain’t got no time to waste with life I’m too infatuated
With death in the shadows waiting I don’t want to go home yet
I just want to dance until my toes are red and crack the pavement
Drink away the past then fade back into black and hold my breath
I’m going under fast the waves are breaking hard and crashing shapeless
Foam and weight upon my chest- the empty bottle’s cold caress
Of olden desk where paper wishes float like ash amidst the wasteland
Jaundiced cigarette butts that lay in piles of pale faced roaches stretched
Across the papers I wrote poems about those days when hope made sense
Staring at words like familiar faces- and all the ones I love are dead
http://healthland.time.com/2011/09/2...be-psychopaths
The CEO
by OGM
..
..
..
My wife works through cold nights, paid with contract
So I hire street prostitutes because I crave the contact
She caught me once but our marriage has made it intact
It's because of financial stability -- I gave what she lacked
"Goodbye dear",
With a sad voice, cause she knows it's fake but she's trapped
She'll leave her print on my face, nothing greater than that
Then her breath transforms to ghosts as she fades into black
But I still plot her murder every night as I wave at her back:
It starts when I awake & react, thinking "maybe I'll snap"
Taking it back, until I feel temptation's weight on my cap
I've been known to be unusual, but to me, it is the usual
I know I'm heartless, I didn't cry at my mother's funeral
...but then it all eases away, she leaves & I lay on my bed...
Until I'm disturbed; once again, I become afraid of my head,
Because my brain pulses at the beat my neighbor is making
Which fucks up the little bit of sleep I had, the favor is taken
Now when I sleep I'll fuckin' dream of duck-taping her dog,
Erasing her blog, & leaving her dead body raped in the yard
Or taking her jaw, fuckin' her face until she's praying to God,
Mouth gaped into awe, as I record with a handful of scorn
Then? I'll upload into to pornhub.com: title it "amateur porn"
I see life black & white, until someone bleeds -- then it's grey
...but then it all eases away, she sleeps & I recede into day
My alarm clock makes me angry... but waking up, who isn't?
Except my anger is that I'm still alive, & that's the true difference
Before coffee, I check my bank's last statement: tax evasion
Democrats & the IRS belong in sewer pipes where rats are pacing
Drink coffee, throw on clothes, jump in the car -- cruising in lanes
Each turn swishes around my jars of preserves (human remains)
If I visit my mother she just asks "how do you cope with the junk?"
I got a cayenne pepper red 2017 Ford Fiesta, as dope as they come
Plus there's skeletons inside & other shit, so I never open my trunk
With a big ass sticker on the back that says "I voted for Trump!"
Usually some idiot keeps breaking & I say "damn it, what kinda genius"
Then I wanna put a gun in his shoulder, or start running him over
...but then it all eases away, & I manage to find a thesis:
Of course he's a bad driver, only a faggot would drive a Prius.
I park, but before I leave...I pull out the bible; the sacred scripture
Turn to Revelations 12:8...--
To use the page to clean up after I masturbate to a naked picture
I walk through the halls of my company full of sunshine, fun, & joy
All because I'm thinkin' bout all the people I've made unemployed
I moved all the work overseas, I got children stuck in the closet
Wages are pennies on the dollar. & I don't give a fuck, it's a profit
Not to mention I'll step on anybody to succeed if I fail with a route
I'm happy that kids have student debt but banks are bailing me out
To hell with everybody else, I don't belong or work for a nation
I'm in this for me. "We the People" & my money have no correlation
Someone like me isn't in jail, or on a prison floor just pacing
Nor am I being diagnosed & medicated in a psych ward location
& nor am I a troubled 30-year old son in his mom's horrid basement
I'm just your friendly neighborhood psychopath...
Part of your local corporation.
I enjoyed the back and fourth transition from descriptive imagery to vivid emotionQuote:
Summer night’s in crumpled dive bars drinking up another lie
Clutching tight to smokey days yet so surprised they slip away
Though we just may drift astray the tide will drag us up from time
And once again this rum will cry from hollow eyes distilled with pain
I appreciate how you maintained your transitions but felt you dropped the ball a bit in your creativity which lost my interestQuote:
This inner space that once confined my sins has finally come to light
Thoughts I cringe confronting twist my stomach as I lick the plate
Swallow all my pride and then I piss away my fucking life
Cause when the party’s over I’m still out looking for pills to take
Again you lost my interest here but I feel it's because you lost your sense of emotion that you had in the beginning 4 lines. You maintained your descriptive approach but completely lost my attentionQuote:
To fill this aching hole up starving sober feed me crushed up lines
Dealt a hand of spades- what else can I do but dig my grave ?
Pilfered rays of hope from wilting street lamps flicker mustard white
In gray bastions of moonlight knowing they are but a brilliant fake
Still sedated spilling drank on my shirt and my tongue is dry
The Sun will shine again but I can’t sleep and it’s three fifty-eight
I’m still awake in shuttered fright from a vision that I should die
And never again see the horizon shine upon the city grey
The ending of this started to draw me back in but the wording was not as fluid as o felt it should have been.Quote:
The liver quakes a rotten thunder shocking shutter of the flesh
Till sudden sweats and shaking gets to be a lot to drop this umbra
Follows me at ever step, reminds me of the ones I left
Behind and on the cusp of death to get high in my mamma’s Tundra
Lost my brother to a needle on the cupboard by my desk
Where I would write when we were younger and our broken hearts had hunger
And a lust unquenched to want the very things we should object
The fever dreams of bloody sex and drugs we both got caught up under
This got rather dark and intriguing. Re referencing the Tundra felt a bit redundant and boringQuote:
I look up at God and wonder what pain he might cook up next
The butcher blessed the body’s serpent bursts out of my mother’s chest
A glob destruction robbed her of her life God why you take them from us!
Staring in the mirror all the faces that I loved are dead
Hung my head and walked alone among the bones of monsters sundered
Thinking bout my mamma’s Tundra, thinking bout what could have been
All this time spent looking in only to find more darkness touching
Everything in sight- Lord, will anything be good again?
This weirded me out as it got rather strange and awkward in places. Again there was a portion that was referenced again from the previous stanzas that didn't do anything for me. I felt the story could have been more consistent and structured. There were points I would get very interested and then quickly disappointed by a awkward twist. Something that was severely underutilized here was punctuation. It seemed like rhymes were tossed together for the sake of rhyming but completely diminished the fluidity of the story.Quote:
For penny dreams I push the pen against the skin of these white pages
Dig it in and bleed my anguish down where these blue lines run red
With eyes like two sapphire corpses wet in my imagination
I can hear their laughter traipsing overtop death’s silent steps
Such delights have violent ends if only life could be backspaced then
I’d go home and masturbate then lie in bed in my own mess
I ain’t got no time to waste with life I’m too infatuated
With death in the shadows waiting I don’t want to go home yet
I just want to dance until my toes are red and crack the pavement
Drink away the past then fade back into black and hold my breath
I’m going under fast the waves are breaking hard and crashing shapeless
Foam and weight upon my chest- the empty bottle’s cold caress
Of olden desk where paper wishes float like ash amidst the wasteland
Jaundiced cigarette butts that lay in piles of pale faced roaches stretched
Across the papers I wrote poems about those days when hope made sense
Staring at words like familiar faces- and all the ones I love are dead
Nothing special here but I feel it is laying a foundation for what's to come...Quote:
My wife works through cold nights, paid with contract
So I hire street prostitutes because I crave the contact
She caught me once but our marriage has made it intact
It's because of financial stability -- I gave what she lacked
Very fluid, descriptive and intriguing. I wasn't feeling the transforms to ghost as she fades into black. I understand the imagery it's setting but felt it could have been captured better.Quote:
"Goodbye dear",
With a sad voice, cause she knows it's fake but she's trapped
She'll leave her print on my face, nothing greater than that
Then her breath transforms to ghosts as she fades into black
But I still plot her murder every night as I wave at her back:
It starts when I awake & react, thinking "maybe I'll snap"
Taking it back, until I feel temptation's weight on my cap
I've been known to be unusual, but to me, it is the usual
I know I'm heartless, I didn't cry at my mother's funeral
The progression of violent emotion is obvious but it progressed a little too quickly imo.Quote:
...but then it all eases away, she leaves & I lay on my bed...
Until I'm disturbed; once again, I become afraid of my head,
Because my brain pulses at the beat my neighbor is making
Which fucks up the little bit of sleep I had, the favor is taken
Now when I sleep I'll fuckin' dream of duck-taping her dog,
Erasing her blog, & leaving her dead body raped in the yard
Or taking her jaw, fuckin' her face until she's praying to God,
Mouth gaped into awe, as I record with a handful of scorn
Then? I'll upload into to pornhub.com: title it "amateur porn"
Oddly I found a couple of these lines humorous. Again you maintained fluidity but dropped the ball a couple times with some off the wall twistQuote:
I see life black & white, until someone bleeds -- then it's grey
...but then it all eases away, she sleeps & I recede into day
My alarm clock makes me angry... but waking up, who isn't?
Except my anger is that I'm still alive, & that's the true difference
Before coffee, I check my bank's last statement: tax evasion
Democrats & the IRS belong in sewer pipes where rats are pacing
Drink coffee, throw on clothes, jump in the car -- cruising in lanes
Each turn swishes around my jars of preserves (human remains)
If I visit my mother she just asks "how do you cope with the junk?"
I got a cayenne pepper red 2017 Ford Fiesta, as dope as they come
Plus there's skeletons inside & other shit, so I never open my trunk
With a big ass sticker on the back that says "I voted for Trump!"
I felt the ending could have been stamped better than "part of your local corporation" but oddly it worked to a certain extent.Quote:
Usually some idiot keeps breaking & I say "damn it, what kinda genius"
Then I wanna put a gun in his shoulder, or start running him over
...but then it all eases away, & I manage to find a thesis:
Of course he's a bad driver, only a faggot would drive a Prius.
I park, but before I leave...I pull out the bible; the sacred scripture
Turn to Revelations 12:8...--
To use the page to clean up after I masturbate to a naked picture
I walk through the halls of my company full of sunshine, fun, & joy
All because I'm thinkin' bout all the people I've made unemployed
I moved all the work overseas, I got children stuck in the closet
Wages are pennies on the dollar. & I don't give a fuck, it's a profit
Not to mention I'll step on anybody to succeed if I fail with a route
I'm happy that kids have student debt but banks are bailing me out
To hell with everybody else, I don't belong or work for a nation
I'm in this for me. "We the People" & my money have no correlation
Someone like me isn't in jail, or on a prison floor just pacing
Nor am I being diagnosed & medicated in a psych ward location
& nor am I a troubled 30-year old son in his mom's horrid basement
I'm just your friendly neighborhood psychopath...
Part of your local corporation.
For me, this was very one sided. OG's story and consistency was far beyond HEC's. OG kept me intrigued throughout the entire piece where as HEC would catch my attention and then leave me hanging a couple lines later.
Vote - OG
Hec
I liked what you've said here, but its the pace and flow I struggle with a little.Quote:
And once again this rum will cry from hollow eyes distilled with pain
This inner space that once confined my sins has finally come to light
Thoughts I cringe confronting twist my stomach as I lick the plate
Swallow all my pride and then I piss away my fucking life
Cause when the party’s over I’m still out looking for pills to take
It's not so much the fact that you're not ending with an end rhyme, the pace just
isn't what I'm used to from you. An example of that is that is...
^^ Although I like what you're saying, I'm losing the stream like effect that makes the whole thingQuote:
Still sedated spilling drank on my shirt and my tongue is dry
The Sun will shine again but I can’t sleep and it’s three fifty-eight
mesh in brilliant melody. I'm missing the united song.
My God that's a stunning line. For obvious reasons.Quote:
The liver quakes a rotten thunder shocking shutter of the flesh
I thought these lines were cool too. Nice beat in the words and descriptions that come to life.Quote:
Till sudden sweats and shaking gets to be a lot to drop this umbra
Follows me at ever step, reminds me of the ones I left
Behind and on the cusp of death to get high in my mamma’s Tundra
Lost my brother to a needle on the cupboard by my desk
Where I would write when we were younger and our broken hearts had hunger
And a lust unquenched to want the very things we should object
The fever dreams of bloody sex and drugs we both got caught up under
I look up at God and wonder what pain he might cook up next
The butcher blessed the body’s serpent bursts out of my mother’s chest
But I lost my way right after these lines a little bit. My mind tended to drift a bit.
I lost a bit of interest with this bit and I'm not sure why...
Quote:
A glob destruction robbed her of her life God why you take them from us!
Staring in the mirror all the faces that I loved are dead
Hung my head and walked alone among the bones of monsters sundered
Thinking bout my mamma’s Tundra, thinking bout what could have been
All this time spent looking in only to find more darkness touching
Everything in sight- Lord, will anything be good again?
Ok, I like your outro. I like the sudden ending. I like the way it went out.Quote:
I ain’t got no time to waste with life I’m too infatuated
With death in the shadows waiting I don’t want to go home yet
I just want to dance until my toes are red and crack the pavement
Drink away the past then fade back into black and hold my breath
I’m going under fast the waves are breaking hard and crashing shapeless
Foam and weight upon my chest- the empty bottle’s cold caress
Of olden desk where paper wishes float like ash amidst the wasteland
Jaundiced cigarette butts that lay in piles of pale faced roaches stretched
Across the papers I wrote poems about those days when hope made sense
Staring at words like familiar faces- and all the ones I love are dead
Hec, your piece here, there's parts of it that have me floating and I'm drifting with the imagination
in the words. And then there's other parts here that flip me back into the moment of me being at work,
being shifty, trying to feed a piece while pretending to do paper work. That's the best way I can sum it up.
Some of it let's me dream, and some of it brings me back down to earth and reminds me this is a written piece.
I wish I was in that dream like state from start to finish though.
Good job on this. I just wish there was more consistency where the flow was concerned.
That was my major issue. Flow. And I'm not sure how much of that had to do with a lack of end rhymes and syllables.
I noticed your internals, some were amazing, but its at the end of some stretched sentences that I felt a jolt.
Using the word Tundra a couple of times didn't do much for me either. I don't know, just felt a little stale the second time around I guess.
This was good, but it wasn't a smooth read from top to toe for me, which is what I'm used to from you.
OG Maestro
Ok, Professor Frost, the language you used here was very basic, very simple, and I have absolutely no problem with it.Quote:
My wife works through cold nights, paid with contract
So I hire street prostitutes because I crave the contact
She caught me once but our marriage has made it intact
It's because of financial stability -- I gave what she lacked
"Goodbye dear",
With a sad voice, cause she knows it's fake but she's trapped
She'll leave her print on my face, nothing greater than that
Then her breath transforms to ghosts as she fades into black
But I still plot her murder every night as I wave at her back:
It starts when I awake & react, thinking "maybe I'll snap"
Taking it back, until I feel temptation's weight on my cap
People bring up simple language like it's a sin, but if done well, I've got no qualms. So it's not the simple language that
bores me a bit, its the same ol' rhyme poppin so far down this stanza.... contract/contact/intact/lacked/trapped/that/black/back/snap/cap,
yeah, I picked up on that. In saying that, I still liked what you had to say. I like the subject matter, very interesting to read.
^^ Top lines! There's a whole stack of stuff going on in those two lines. Very well written imo.Quote:
I've been known to be unusual, but to me, it is the usual
I know I'm heartless, I didn't cry at my mother's funeral
Quote:
...but then it all eases away, she leaves & I lay on my bed...
Until I'm disturbed; once again, I become afraid of my head,
Because my brain pulses at the beat my neighbor is making
Which fucks up the little bit of sleep I had, the favor is taken
^^ meh', yeah, just not getting much from these lines here.
^^ Redeemed, with a bit of beautiful violence. Liked the attitude carried through here.Quote:
Now when I sleep I'll fuckin' dream of duck-taping her dog,
Erasing her blog, & leaving her dead body raped in the yard
Or taking her jaw, fuckin' her face until she's praying to God,
Mouth gaped into awe, as I record with a handful of scorn
Then? I'll upload into to pornhub.com: title it "amateur porn"
The fast pace, the raw nerve, the weirdness.
Interesting lines here. Especially that '...until someone bleeds -- then it's grey'Quote:
I see life black & white, until someone bleeds -- then it's grey
...but then it all eases away, she sleeps & I recede into day
But these two...just aren't up to par.Quote:
My alarm clock makes me angry... but waking up, who isn't?
Except my anger is that I'm still alive, & that's the true difference
Yep nice one. That's great. Great rhyme, flow, imagery, tone, I like it.Quote:
Before coffee, I check my bank's last statement: tax evasion
Democrats & the IRS belong in sewer pipes where rats are pacing
What I like about all of this bit are the images that flick through my head, one after another,Quote:
Each turn swishes around my jars of preserves (human remains)
If I visit my mother she just asks "how do you cope with the junk?"
I got a cayenne pepper red 2017 Ford Fiesta, as dope as they come
Plus there's skeletons inside & other shit, so I never open my trunk
With a big ass sticker on the back that says "I voted for Trump!"
really fast. The full on descriptions that just shake me up and put me in a time zone and make me
forget I'm reading. Instead, I'm watching some sick movie on a huge screen. That's very cool.
But this ^^^ I lost some interest here. The 'managed to find a thesis' line did nothing for me.Quote:
Usually some idiot keeps breaking & I say "damn it, what kinda genius"
Then I wanna put a gun in his shoulder, or start running him over
...but then it all eases away, & I manage to find a thesis:
Of course he's a bad driver, only a faggot would drive a Prius.
That whole bit didn't do much tbh.
Nice outro. That last line is cool, but I felt it could have been just a tad stronger.Quote:
I park, but before I leave...I pull out the bible; the sacred scripture
Turn to Revelations 12:8...--
To use the page to clean up after I masturbate to a naked picture
I walk through the halls of my company full of sunshine, fun, & joy
All because I'm thinkin' bout all the people I've made unemployed
I moved all the work overseas, I got children stuck in the closet
Wages are pennies on the dollar. & I don't give a fuck, it's a profit
Not to mention I'll step on anybody to succeed if I fail with a route
I'm happy that kids have student debt but banks are bailing me out
To hell with everybody else, I don't belong or work for a nation
I'm in this for me. "We the People" & my money have no correlation
Someone like me isn't in jail, or on a prison floor just pacing
Nor am I being diagnosed & medicated in a psych ward location
& nor am I a troubled 30-year old son in his mom's horrid basement
I'm just your friendly neighborhood psychopath...
Part of your local corporation.
I would have liked a bigger bang on the last landing. But as it is, it's still creepy, and holds
and eerie tone about it, which I love.
So Professor Frost, you've obviously still got it. But it slides at times, out of that zone you've got happening.
Just some lines that aren't as strong as the ones I liked. But this is, as you know, just personal preference.
As a whole, I really liked your piece.
I thought it was a nice, dark story with twisted imagery and smooth rhymes and a pretty good flow
all the way through, so based on these thoughts my vote goes to....
V - OG Maestro
Summer night’s in crumpled dive bars drinking up another lie
Clutching tight to smokey days yet so surprised they slip away
Though we just may drift astray the tide will drag us up from time
And once again this rum will cry from hollow eyes distilled with pain
Opening paints a nice picture for me, It's what I liked out of the entire first portion. "hollow eyes distilled with pain" was very nice
Lost my brother to a needle on the cupboard by my desk
Where I would write when we were younger and our broken hearts had hunger
And a lust unquenched to want the very things we should object
The fever dreams of bloody sex and drugs we both got caught up under
Very well written, caught my attention instantly
Such delights have violent ends if only life could be backspaced then
^^this line stook on it's own very well
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife works through cold nights, paid with contract
So I hire street prostitutes because I crave the contact
She caught me once but our marriage has made it intact
It's because of financial stability -- I gave what she lacked
Great opener. Instantly feel exactly what's going on. Maybe just relatable content for me.
It starts when I awake & react, thinking "maybe I'll snap"
Taking it back, until I feel temptation's weight on my cap
I've been known to be unusual, but to me, it is the usual
I know I'm heartless, I didn't cry at my mother's funeral
^the feels.
My alarm clock makes me angry... but waking up, who isn't?
Except my anger is that I'm still alive, & that's the true difference
^^Nice
Usually some idiot keeps breaking & I say "damn it, what kinda genius"
Then I wanna put a gun in his shoulder, or start running him over
...but then it all eases away, & I manage to find a thesis:
Of course he's a bad driver, only a faggot would drive a Prius.
So much anger
I walk through the halls of my company full of sunshine, fun, & joy
All because I'm thinkin' bout all the people I've made unemployed
I moved all the work overseas, I got children stuck in the closet
Wages are pennies on the dollar. & I don't give a fuck, it's a profit
Not to mention I'll step on anybody to succeed if I fail with a route
I'm happy that kids have student debt but banks are bailing me out
To hell with everybody else, I don't belong or work for a nation
I'm in this for me. "We the People" & my money have no correlation
Someone like me isn't in jail, or on a prison floor just pacing
Nor am I being diagnosed & medicated in a psych ward location
& nor am I a troubled 30-year old son in his mom's horrid basement
I'm just your friendly neighborhood psychopath...
^^this entire portion was nice. felt every line
Part of your local corporation.
^this could have been left out, just my opinion
Overall this match up wasn't close and it's not for HEC lacking, it's that OG delivered a brilliant and well written piece. You could understand what was going on, what had went on, and where we were going throughout and it was filled with tons of emotion (and hate that was passed on through well written words)
OG ran away with this.
3-0 does this still need votes?
VoteQuote:
Originally Posted by KnowP
Battle closed.... OG Maestro wins 3-0