Conversation Unstable.

Two Highschool boys talking in tangled tounges
stumble over their words in cluttered conversations
of complex confusion that behold no morals.

"So how goes life ole' chum?"

"Same old, same young, same
make believe teenage crisis
devouring my morale whole. You?"

"Sleep deprivation goes hand-in-hand
with my poor performance in class.
The two make the lovliest
couple ever to destroy a persons
sanity and future in the blink of an eye,
but not the resting of one."

"Your preaching to the choir bro."

"Am I? It strikes me as being odd,
how I preach to a choir that
taught me to collect my good omens
but yet I fail to succeed
due to a hole in my pocket"

"Oh well, I tried to support
your feeble spirit which seeks
answers but refuses to
ask jeeves."

"Technology sucks."

"Hey, what'cha gonna' do?"

"I 'dunno......
Hey, how 'bout we explore the past?
Locate a deceased past time,
ressurect it to 2 seconds from now
to create our once childhood entertainment."

"HA!
1....
2....
3....
4....
I declare thumb war,
until muscles maim my whole army
and you kill my self esteem!"

"I win!"

"Son of a bitch.
I'll never win, I can only remain hoping
until this sponge of luck soaks up all
my hope and only leaves blots of disappointment."

"Cry me a river, build a bridge,
and get over it, whilst
the raging waters beneath
swiftly drift off with your happiness
and empty into an ocean of depression
until the glass S.O.S. bottle hits you in
the heart; CHEER UP!"

"Forget you.
I'll cast you away from my memories
so your blind insight doesn't see into my
point of view and steer me in the path
of corruption."

"What ever you say man."

"Yeah, what ever. See you
in later days where you're not
provoking my thoughts like a
magician swinging your charm
until I fall prisoner to your
stereotypical methods."

"Wow, get a grip
on your emotions that side twice
like day and night; tourettes
is your custom title."

"Later."

"Much."

hmmm... it was good.. but i am not a big fan of this piece.. The little topic was clever and all, just a quarrel between two kids or whatever, and i can sense that you tried to put meaning behind it, but.. i dono.. mayb it's just me, but i didnt feel it as much as i normally do with your work man... you did have very clever wording and all though, good metaphorical, and oxy moron type shit in there, that made it interesting and, to some degree humorous, depending on the line... also it captivated a bit of your intelligence and released it to the reader to see.. very well done on that part... and u kno im not much of a fan on freeverses.. i like things that rhyme, takes more effort if you ask me.. but im not much of a poetry man so im not gonna touch base on those issues... all in all this was a good piece for sure, packed with much creativeness in such a simple topic, but the lack of emotion just really didnt pull through for me man..
good work for sure though.. keep it up

^ I get what you mean. It was kind of supposed to be humorous in the sense that they were talking in metaphors but, one of the guys was trying to help the other get out of the stupid realm he was in. But yeah, i'm glad that you didn't just come in here and suck my dick about how I write cause' I know your not too big on poetry.

Honesty is good man, I appreciate it.

ye i understood that part.. just the humer wasnt as strong as it was in your Ask Questions. Get Answers. one in my opinion.

I don't write just to get out humor, this one just came out with some humor in it. But, oh well.

Bumpidy bump.

this was a nice topic here very clever as all your pieces are Po...though i must have to agree a bit with cheez..you did have great metaphorical and rhetorical meanings but some parts fell into being redundance..not ina major LOOK ya know just something you'll get when you read it..idk its just my opinion ya know i aint sayin shit i just feel that your partake in this really was good but somewhat your little quarrel fell off and kinda felt irritating and a little...how may i say....a little sawyed and forced....the clever talk conversation idea was good i mean somewhat people have done the topic typa ish but you came well diffrent and your vocab here really stood out again as usual. dude seriously nice job here i mean what i said about the wrong doings are sorta minor flaws but ya know who knows i have diffrent views to things than others...dont we all?!...lmfao.

anyway's nice drop dude....appreciate the read i enjoyed it!.

talking in tangled tounges

i liked that^ alot...

hmmm this was... very different, since the whole thing was dialog other than the intro... haven't seen this done much, i nejoyed some parts and i thought it was a decent peice... but it seemed like there was something missing... like maybe adding in parts in between so its not completly centred on dialog... but still i enjoyed it for the most part, original idea and you pulled it off pretty well...

nice work.. keep at er...

Bleh

dont ask me to leave feed on your piece again

Reason: Its not that this sucked, at all, I'm sure it was dope as hell in others points of views. But to me, all this was, was smart phrases that I have to look up. Honestly, I came here to leave feed, not learn 49 new vocabulary words. Call me a bitch, but man, you really need to keep it simple. Like your piece that got into HoF, c'mon, that was good. All this was just a big clutter of shit that I dont know about.. So I'm only leaving short amounts of feed, because I honestly didnt understand the piece. I'm not smart, at all, so yeah. Pieces like this dont impress me, they just make me feel less intelligent.

I know I'm a dick, but your a great writer, so you need some feed that won't lead you down the wrong path. Reguardless of how offended or not you are, keep writing.

uh.. I don't expect you to come in here and be like wow this was dope. Honest feed is what we as writers need incase there is insight towards our shit that we haven't got so we can get better.

This was not a clutter of words dude, this was pretty much as simplistic as it can get. I didn't even use a tremedous vocabulary here. I don't see where your getting that from dude. It's ok if you don't understand man, neither did Cheez Wiz but he had the common decensy to atleast tell me what he though with out having to lash out or call HIMSELF stupid.

You yourself are not a stupid individual.. you just have to read it and kind of think about it.. I think your quite a bright kid bro but... maybe you just need to apply yourself? Even if your not stupid offline, this wasn't something that only college professors would understand.

And your first comment, I was asking you for feed in the first place man. YOU came at ME through PM'S to check YOUR shit. And YOU TOLD ME to leave you a link for you to look at in return. So, if you consider me saying that you were beating around the bush to look at my poem as asking you to feed it, no. Your wrong. I didn't even say you had to respond, just read. That is all. But, yeah... maybe just get your facts straight before you try telling me something like that man..

But all in all, thank you for taking time out of your day to post in my thread... And uhh.... have fun writing man, keep up your good work..


I guess i'll just up this for some final feed and.... that is all I got. pz.

No. I'm a freshmen, I dont know half the shit you were talking about..

ex.

"Sleep deprivation goes hand-in-hand
with my poor performance in class.
The two make the lovliest
couple ever to destroy a persons
sanity and future in the blink of an eye,
but not the resting of one."

Not resting of what?

the fuck is the second word in the stanza?

you get me? I meen, I am seriously not trying to be mean, but shit, its just too.. bleh wtf for me to understand.

Deprivation...

DEPRIVE

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK DEPRIVING SOMEONE OF SOMETHING IS?

I knew that shit before I was a freshman man... get with it dude.

Took me a while lol.....

Vocabluary wasn't as cary as it seemed after reading Jonathans post lol...it had a very upschool earls of edinbrugh feel to it with the way the kids were talking na mean....I liked the imaggery though and the thumb wars whole stanza was clever and vivid in bringing out imagination. Plus the tangled tounges and stumbling words thing literally put in an image of two kids talking so fast they'r stuttering and spraying lol. Also, the line on AskJeeves was good. Also...one character gave a very airy feel like he was drunk or someting or just had some weed or shrooms lol....overall, i liked this piece the conversations seemed genuine though exaggerated for the sake of imagery which bought this piece to a enjoyable level. Lastly, i reckon this was a good poem and creative.

Check out mine and tims battle with an HONEST vote, if you can
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=310766

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Po' It.

Deprivation...

DEPRIVE

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK DEPRIVING SOMEONE OF SOMETHING IS?

I knew that shit before I was a freshman man... get with it dude.

---

See, you get offended, off of my ignorance.

its not my damn fault the teachers dont teach well..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. P GanKsta

Took me a while lol.....

Vocabluary wasn't as cary as it seemed after reading Jonathans post lol...it had a very upschool earls of edinbrugh feel to it with the way the kids were talking na mean....I liked the imaggery though and the thumb wars whole stanza was clever and vivid in bringing out imagination. Plus the tangled tounges and stumbling words thing literally put in an image of two kids talking so fast they'r stuttering and spraying lol. Also, the line on AskJeeves was good. Also...one character gave a very airy feel like he was drunk or someting or just had some weed or shrooms lol....overall, i liked this piece the conversations seemed genuine though exaggerated for the sake of imagery which bought this piece to a enjoyable level. Lastly, i reckon this was a good poem and creative.

Check out mine and tims battle with an HONEST vote, if you can
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=310766

---

it's cool dude.. thanks for stopping by.. I'll get the link when I get home..

As for Jon, i'm not offended by your ignorance.. i'm utterly amazed at how you don't know the meaning of the word Deprived or Deprivation.

jonathon's stupid as shit. literally.

*will edit in feed later tonight*