A Disciple's Thread

https://youtu.be/lsbzi_FiK4E?si=vy0VZRsT5cVlgaiP

Nah I see 2 roses and I’m not with any of that… I love the man though… until he tried to play me again

- - - Updated - - -

I lost my body, I lost my looks, I lost my man, but it’s not going to drag me back to day one.

- - - Updated - - -

My brother swear I’m the one tearing it all down… then I heard about some destroy and rebuild shit tonight… and the bitching and humbling and degraded. I’m trying to leave that squad though and maybe he trying to come with me cause if he don’t… I don’t think so

- - - Updated - - -

I want my man back… I want me back… I want feeling myself and being happy back.

- - - Updated - - -

I know it’s something real… so how is it getting or did it get so fucked up?

- - - Updated - - -

He know I need that peace and comfort… how he so quick to trade me?

https://youtu.be/aYQ0jmmEu9g?si=9YCWfkoX2180U8cb

Idky I put it out here reckless I guess… but it was my faith in God too… I have a lot of trust issues.

Rns

I’m not gonna make it
Cause yo I can’t take it
Get out of me you just fake it
The level of abuse I can’t comprehend
And the high and the lows you just Bend
All I see is Chris
And this demon inside nice and crisp
Or Chrispy… that’s what they called my brother
And then he od’d and that was something of another
I ain’t snitch
I never was that bitch
Feds do what ever they want
Prisoner since 13 and I can’t front
Habit over ether
Kiss of death
Loyalty to who confirmed with last breath
Yo if I have a daughter it’s your death
I hate Allah for hating earth
I want it now
And not a rebirth
Christian’s so funny waiting for Jesus to be born
But that’s the new devil not to judge I learned

But I remember saying it’s all good we got their product
And to an addict let burn
Now I learned
But that’s disrespect to every project
I ain’t ever base I never did more then 5
I think you just moving but ain’t got it
Sober nah… I rather feel it alive
And these tongues such a bitch
I don’t care if I make it Alive
I just want to meet him before he he’s left in a ditch
So I can look him in the eye and say yeah I’m that bitch
I saw 50 levels of hell and not one of them was good
10 to left side knowing there is one of me in every hood
Not like it should
Phone in the. Bushes I went off the radar
But they ain’t ever tell me who they are
Or let me know I ain’t too far

My man got a girl and now I’m that bitch
Sleeping alone… just one I wish
In this life we have to live for something
But I ain’t got shit next to nothing
“Do you recall not long ago”
Yeah I didn’t either
Don’t think we cool neither
Cause I’m a thot and this and all that
Player one when was you ever up to bat
And this can be so this to nat
I hate you too
Never expected that did you
The life or thot
Praying on a last shot
Get over yourself I think you weak
Cause you speak to another side and post it once a week
Selfies I know it make them so mad
But they can do it too and that’s what makes it so sad
I ain’t got much to live for
Prolong the agony for what
I’m still talking though like but
But I ain’t live it either and to death you just stunt

I’m not going to make it easy for you either
Nah I ain’t a believer

- - - Updated - - -

And I ain’t trying to hear you either until you leave her.

My bf hate me on social media and swear it’s my downfall… it’s my therapy though and my mark on this earth especially never having a family of my own besides my parents family. Like never been married or had my own kids

- - - Updated - - -

I am the queen of failed relationships but had like 4 good bfs to like 2 bad ones

- - - Updated - - -

https://youtu.be/T8ugsY2PfqM?si=GN6nWthWM9Pvb0n-

- - - Updated - - -

My favorite song this week

RNS

I’ve been reckless…
Not wearing a necklace
But you can bet this…
That I won’t stress miss
Mystery over time
History while we rhyme
We talked today about what a ghost may say
And I’m just like - to remember to live for the day
Some times I forget to pray
And some lines sound different then what I really mean to say
And the disrespect?
We save that for another day
Cause we can get the gate on deck
Or the bait to inspect anyway
Do you feel me?
Or do you just hear what I say?
Look what you took for Bible and didn’t understand I ain’t ever even play
Funny…
Cause they irritate me just a little bit
Their body language has quirks
And lies like a piece of shit
But you take it to the stand like its admissible one bit

It used to be…

And it’s not all over a hoe hoe hoe
It’s over how far they went so no no no
“Oh oh oh”

- - - Updated - - -

Nah not my bf (we good)

I lost memory’s at a child…

https://youtu.be/SdFky6XIOos?si=t5w0DytDAmKbWf3Z

I don’t know if I have one… my own boy said I miscarried but I don’t really believe him

I write poems cause I hate to read and not sure I have the endurance or skills for a book… but maybe?

She had a regal stare… as if she finally realized her own crown was imbedded thru revenge. The gaze was not so much of disgust but more so contempt for the wicked instilled with the vindication of a victim that has survived. Still her eyes, sentimentally with a grace passed down thru stories of generations that only a few were chosen to hear. And with that - she became to know her own name again but what was no longer forgotten became her creed…

~ VampVirgin

Would you read it?

She has a regal stare… as if she finally realized her own crown was imbedded thru revenge. The gaze was not so much of disgust but more so contempt for the wicked instilled with the vindication of a victim that has survived. Still her eyes, sentimentally with a grace passed down thru stories of generations that only a few were chosen to hear. And with that - she became to know her own name again and what was no longer forgotten became her creed…

She a fighter… she doesn’t need any man or friend to defend her. Loyalty turned into a facade that she allowed too many lies to feed her. She doesn’t play childish games to trap a man and will come second to none. She’s broken… been broken many times and for many years… only this time - not and never again!

She knows it only takes a second to pull it but refuses to let anyone take away the freedom she groomed herself so long to keep. Talk behind her back but she will only respect you if you say it to her face. And no she doesn’t need the attention, she just needs to be heard… but the only ones who listen are the ones who were never afflicted and can not relate or understand…

it’s ok… “no love lost, none found”

CLA919

Irregular Heartbeat v2

Between the bitches and the snitches things are just about hate right here
And i really was aware just really didn’t care
It’s ok cause I prefer the long lost stare
That way he know it either but why?
But he cant answer that right there…
And I don’t have time to play eye spy
To tell the truth it’s kinda hard to break my heart
And I’m 45 not 30 never talked but fitten to start
Finally out of statutes and just playing my part
I could’ve swore theyd no longer play me for a token
Codes of the street - to build you must be broken?
But what’s been left of Dramamine too potent
And i can’t figure shit out unless they provide the quotient
I’m a be 4 real… I trusted him and loved the facade
But if you just doing me in you didn’t have to hit my soul so hard
It’s not that I trusted him it’s that I trusted God
Loyalty was never a thing
But if you not built like it then get the fuck out of dodge
He started laughing because he knew I wanted to believe and forgive him too
And I know it’s life changing cause I just caught my 3rd major deja vu
Who over who? All you bitches do is fuck my bfs since like 2002
The same ones…
You can keep this one too…mine wouldn’t trade me for you or expose me to all the things that hate do

https://youtu.be/JUDbSL-5GHQ?si=yhAouMP7pFTvtTRd

True story only I didn’t send a pic… I already dgaf

- - - Updated - - -

Yeah things don’t click for me like that and I can’t tell the difference between god or the feds… not the 3 days one the one about being in the club. And I know all them bitches laughing at me and he like…

- - - Updated - - -

Traded me… he traded me too

- - - Updated - - -

Him? I miss him lots… lots lots but it was to a point of no return just wishing but in case you wondering why I would still date is because I wanted to find my real and my family and he was all about games and secrets and betrayal too

- - - Updated - - -

I blew half a breath in his mouth and I hope that makes you real hurt too

- - - Updated - - -

I was wondering if I never got over you

- - - Updated - - -

But I did

- - - Updated - - -

The fucked up part is you just the one that knew how to check me at my best

- - - Updated - - -

I think I forgot who I was when I lost you

- - - Updated - - -

And didn’t realize how much I really loved you until I was in London and we both made it. Kind of like the night Obama was named president

- - - Updated - - -

And the way we would blow breaths… i took for granted that you was just always gonna be there for me

- - - Updated - - -

https://youtu.be/OBRBOELrZe0?si=jft62IqWeGDtz9O5

It’s crazy cause I remember writing you from college in the library and it was raining

- - - Updated - - -

And saw that vision everytime I heard the song

- - - Updated - - -

But you was really the fakest or maybe just pushed too far that I was wrong for being jealous of that plight

- - - Updated - - -

I wish I knew why we never got right… or that you told me what was going on.

- - - Updated - - -

Or even just fix me so I can get my best self back

You’re Mines Still
(It popped in my head the night you couldn’t sleep - I don’t think that was over me)

Friends… I’ll never sleep with you again
You hurt me
I gave you 3 rules
Don’t touch the hoe, don’t talk behind my back, and don’t fuck with my head
You broke all 3 like you wanted me dead
and it was some form of attack
From the back… Barney?
No that’s carn me hoe
Karma know and I know right where and why your levels so low
Like you didn’t know HOE
oh wait but she a good hoe
I ain’t have anybody on my side in a minute
I thought you were it
But nah you swear you never been it
And you see I know and still refuse to admit it

Whose? To who I wish it is…
That’s not everyone’s biz
Bad relationships while walking for so long so like…
It all feels wrong
And you know I don’t know me without you reminding me who I am
And god damn….
I think I finally felt that slice cause when you left I turned to ice
But nah never a hoe and that you already know
Nickels lying on their dicks
But yo idk how but that def was me in them pics
Dead up
I’m getting so fed up
He trying to change me when I know who I am
He act like my crown not tarnished cause I had to live it without him
Too many nots and I’m breaking too many of my own rules
Feel ugly still laughing at what 50 did to Ja rule
Desperate? only when under attack
More time to write less time that I fight and maybe more people understand and get my back

The wrong guy will make you though
So just so you know
When rings go on is why I had to go
Him? He has a gf and I’m stupid tho
But after all this he can just stay with super ho!
I already know…
I’m hurt and you went beyond repair but yeah sometimes I think of you still when I get lost in my stare

He always gonna be mine still too… but I’m a back off

- - - Updated - - -

Learning how to stand up for myself again ��+

Angel

Sorry for me… it burns so many angles
Like the key they say dangles
They not gonna give it to me
And my pride won’t let me see
Weakness… friends I let them get away with almost anything
But I refuse to be what that hate bring
Some hate me cause I held them accountable to the rules I always had to live by
Others cause I talk extra loud when they play I spy
The pit is race… i grew up in another day
But remembered it another way
And it’s not ok…
You’re not better then me you don’t have that rite
Submission won’t be a factor I rather die in that fight
To be so strong and then to be played like a joke
And you know your temper your will and the choke
He checked me… I never hit him again
And he did try to tell me they weren’t my friends
And like… that’s not why
Who was I to say or act so privy and just shrugged it off
I knew better and I really think it was extra and they knew where I’m soft
I thought it was balance
And I never knew and still don’t know the rest
But they dragged me thru a hell you can’t even imagine…
Worse then the one I already wrote about when being trapped with no vest
Ain’t nobody gonna confess
He knew how to check someone proper
But was too busy to notice and stop her
Is it what makes me weak or strong because honestly I don’t ever belong
I so just don’t even care anymore
Honestly, I can care less cause I already know what makes a whore
Fuck you bitch we are cool no more
Street life… do we really have each others back?
I’m not sure I trust you in that war
cause killas move in silence for fact
Do you know how bad I wanna say I’m back?
Living so high you’ve never felt so low
But cocaine was more loyal then any comradery I’d ever know
I was scared to let go…

Evidentially it was the right decision only love lost and I actually found

- - - Updated - - -

Yo I’m hit… AGAIN… I’m down for good this time… Like I don’t know what it was that I actually found the heart to date again and I don’t regret it but I really do don’t think the pain in the end is really worth it… I know he worth it though

- - - Updated - - -

I wonder if he will regret losing me?

Sad as fuck