Boundless Love

http://img705.imageshack.us/img705/4...loweenkair.jpg

Boundless Love
By: Zaria Blaq'

Places the key to the side.

I’m a soldier at war fighting with emotions , pure hatred so foul to the core-
I’m yearning pain through symphony, urging for the heart’s pain from the floor.
Starving describes feelings, an hunger explains anger, my comfort zone in danger-
The greener transitions my views into precise sight in good directions favor.
Now in range my pinnacle of my success I fear no darkness plight;
Fighting within the depths of intertwined emotions emitting illuminist light.
The crevasses projects clear paths, as love is born again sensing it near-
The warmth that embraces sexual tensions arises to us mortals mere.
The chest burst with colorful, cheer subsiding the internal sadness;
containing such busting reactions, my features appear in madness.
Overjoyed with laughter, affection, consideration for others ways-
I accept taking charge staring cupid in the eyes as pain trials in replay.

..Looks up to the sky of heart break...

I hold this key to my heart to you impurity, let the blood flow through-
I don’t take kindly to your threats pulling through my will strong to you.
Piercing through the grey loneliness of confinement, I break the cycle-
hatred moves in straight lines, as karma circles what it seen liable.
An bare witness the withered garments of the widowed lovers-
as the nudity of my self conscience sleeps in it’s shielding covers.
My veil of heartbreak shines dim glows of pale breaking hearts-
my love an affection cut short of time before trust starts.
I envy the loved with such wicked passion.

For ever entangled in Boundless Love.




Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...950/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...320/index.html

i'll leave better feedback tomorrow, but i liked this written. join per se and i'll elevate you.

ok =] upping for feed

nice piece yo..your constantly elevating and its noticeable...you had some great metaphors..your rhyme scheme is improving with the more OMs you write..since your poetic you already have great imagery and emotion..writing OM's will develop stronger rhyme scheme...you should use more multis..that would help a lot..but you still spit dope and this piece was proof..im looking forward to you droppin more OMs and elevatin more on your OMs...nice piece..check out my new piece..links in my sig..its fresh.~1~

thankx vic.. upping

bup for feed

Come on =( feed

uppin !!!

Come on feed man =(

One of the reasons you're not getting a lot of feed is due to the fact a lot of the heads in here will ignore your piece, for the sake that you came in, replied to two threads.. and that's it. A lot of people believe in Return the Favour sort of deal. It doesn't always work.. But it's just a suggestion.

This is all meant as constructive criticism:

No offense, but the first thing people see when they come into this thread is that picture. To you it might say a lot.. but it does (sorry) seem really emo. Not a lot of people are going to relate to that picture and be intrigued to keep on going into the piece. Remember your audience... it sucks to say, but it's something that has to be done. I don't post everything I write about on RB...

Another thing would be that a lot of the ideas, metaphors and concepts are fairly cliche.

When writing about something that is suppose packed full of emotion, hatred, anger & sorrow, use simple vocabulary (this isn't a rule of thumb.. but writing comes in baby steps, this is a suggestion). Your idea, and your heart (which is what you're trying to convey) will come through a lot easier, instead of searching for words to elaborate on an idea... use the idea to let the words speak for themselves.

this was dope! it was really poetic in parts:

Quote:

---

The crevasses projects clear paths, as love is born again sensing it near-
The warmth that embraces sexual tensions arises to us mortals mere.

My veil of heartbreak shines dim glows of pale breaking hearts-
my love an affection cut short of time before trust starts.
I envy the loved with such wicked passion.

---

enjoyed readin this, i've read better stuff but you've got a way wit words that really works an shows a load of potential, respect

:D thanks so much very much appriciated

From the gate I gotta say i didn't like it...

...I usually criticise poetic writers for misplacing or ineffectively using vocabulary < you're doing this. You might have a grasp on the language but I'ma suggest you tone it down to convey what it is you're saying...better.

Some lines (ignoring your typos) come close to being incoherent because of your grammar placement and ill-advised use of unfitting words...

...so wording's a big issue in this drop. You use "pain" twice in just your second line, and "heart" twice in the line third from last; repetition should be used to place emphasis generally, here it just seemed like you were lazy with it...

....the picture looks like some Kingdom Hearts shit, you made a couple of reference within the piece to the image (like the 'key' line), but I think it was needless really (the picture)...

Quote:

---

Starving describes feelings, an hunger explains anger, my comfort zone in danger-
The greener transitions my views into precise sight in good directions favor.
Now in range my pinnacle of my success I fear no darkness plight;
Fighting within the depths of intertwined emotions emitting illuminist light

---

^ too wordy and ambiguous < not distinct enough to paint good imagery.

I think generally your wording is killing the piece, w/e the attempts to paint a picture, convey emotion or be metaphorical...

...from the rhyming p.o.v. you used couplets (easy) and thats fine for pacing but I feel shit coulda rhymed more.

I'm not hating though;

Quote:

---

An bare witness the withered garments of the widowed lovers-
as the nudity of my self conscience sleeps in it’s shielding covers.

---

^ very nice couplet/two lines < effective use of vague internals (assonance) in both, and even subtle alliteration in the first.

I guess you need to just chill a little with your ambition when you writing, w/e concept you have or idea for the piece < put it first, then try and make the wording with it more cohesive...

It was okish, lots to work on though, but some positives here

Just my slant on shit

rtf one one of my two pieces here yo, I'd appreciate it for the time I took to give you detailed feed.