Just one verse, give me some feedback

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...01#post1621901
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...83#post1621883

[chorus 2x]
My gun bursts, the bullets disperse, and its on again
Another argument resulting in more of your fallen men
I had to follow them so that their destiny could swallow them
Cause the minute you opened your mouth I knew it was on again

[verse 1]
Im gettin tired of these games youre playin, so im sprayin
ya whole crew, just to, make you start prayin
Every day in every way ima start layin
Bodies on the floor where ya family was stayin
Your decision was wrong, punk! Your life is over!
Your girl's soon dead so when you see her, hold her
Cause soon after that I'ma get a Range Rover
And let my men have fun while she gets rolled over
So when we roll closer, you can scream for help
But know that there's no way now you can Redeem yourself :shoot:
Ill defeat ya health, with five bullets in the brain
And reunite u wit ur girl - hidden in the sewage drain

Not Bad...Need To Make Ya Verse A Lil Longer

Flow and internals and multis are good

and Poverty is right, verses do need to be longer.. at least 12 lines, or make more than 3 verses, maybe 4 or 5

when i write, my verses are usually between 16 and 24 lines long or 12 lines if i have trouble thinking of stuff to write

and you should repeat the chorus (so you say it twice instead of just once)

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Credz

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

---

^^ Aiight my bad, will do. And as for the other dudes, yeah i know i need to make it longer, thats just what i had so far, mine are usually around 15-20 lines, thanks for the feedback though.

Nice short verse had good flow to it and multis were good. Yeah just add some bars and you should be koo. I was feelin the chorus good job. Keep spittin dawg pz!!!!!!!

Ay man this shit was tight i ain't gon lie.

"Bodies on the floor where ya family was stayin
Your decision was wrong, punk! Your life is over!
Your girl's soon dead so when you see her, hold her"
^^ this was tight shit playa.

Yeah just a little longer and it'll be even hotter. Keep spittin playboy!

Nice shit.
Like everyone said.
Longer verse.
Holla.

i see you added 2 more lines

it does sound more like a complete verse now

as a general rule, try to make the numbers of lines a multiple of 4 (8, 12, 16, 20) because it helps the whole verse flow a little better

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adonai

i see you added 2 more lines

it does sound more like a complete verse now

as a general rule, try to make the numbers of lines a multiple of 4 (8, 12, 16, 20) because it helps the whole verse flow a little better

---

^^Aiight yeah, thanks for the feedback. I do usually write my verses at least 14 or 15 lines, but i cut that one short anyway, thanks for the tip though, ill keep that in mind.