I got a story to tell part 1
I knew this Lil Yo, They call him Mo, he had a killer flow,
always kept a bad chick he had the illest hoes.
He had millionaire goals mixed with billionaire dreams,
The quiet type, he never talked but he was more Realer then he seemed
A few gorillas on his team they had different swag then him
dudes got outa line? Goons going splatter them.
Mo was badder then your average type of dude
Advanced through the struggle made some savage type moves
He Wasn't Flashing No Jewels, No Karats No Coupes,
Just some old timberland boots, No Gold in his tooth
No Party's No Booze, see mo he liked to move in silence,
He got ghost every time that his goons was Wildin.
His crew was violent, but see Mo his hands were clean
He lays low in the cut and lets his crew just handle things.
banging threes, at the gym while his dudes banging hammers
So he'll never be connected or be confined to the slammer.
Mo thinks he smarter, smarter then all the law makers
They don't even know his name besides he has a couple fall takers.
He has a game plan and he's sure it will work
But with all that money he getting I guess feelings got hurt
Feeling the worst, is his right hand man lil poochie,
"why we doing all the work, but he getting all the booty? "
"Who's he? Where would he be without us
We the real killers man he's just a coward"
Lil Poochie gassed he is pacing the floor in the dark
His Brain and His Heart going to war with his thoughts.
.... To be continued
I got a story to tell part 1
I got a story to tell part 1
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
You're very talented, no troll.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
That was good. Different. And fresh.
I like this,
"I knew this Lil Yo, They call him Mo, he had a killer flow,
always kept a bad chick he had the illest hoes.
He had millionaire goals mixed with billionaire dreams,
The quiet type, he never talked but he was more Realer then he seemed". It's a great intro.
I like the sound of that last line, better, when I take the word 'more' out.
Because I think the word more, isn't important. It just means more of what's already there.
It's not showing us anything more, ironically.
And also because, I feel slightly toppled by the syllables.
And I think 'more' is an excessive word. We can take it out. haha!! how 'bout that?
Don't mind my ocd. I like the archaeology, of a piece.You write well MsPush.
Your content was interesting. And your character stayed 'in character', and the flow was great.
That was really good. You had lots of great rhymes too.
So, you either give it the flick, or you give it a chance.
Had I not, I would have missed out on lots of great words.
Like this,
Quote:
He Wasn't Flashing No Jewels, No Karats No Coupes,
Just some old timberland boots, No Gold in his tooth
How good is that? Awesome flow. Trippy girl.
Let'er rip. Have fun. Good luck.
Good Read.
I didn't like the space in between the sentences much, though lol.
Sorry. Just felt like space. I wanted to join the sentences.
That's why I joined them in the quote lol. Sorry. Because I can lol.
I think it's easier when I see it spaced close together.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Thanks you. Much appreciated.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
This WAS good, different, and fresh.
I really liked it, very nice job of storytelling and putting images in the readers minds, you stayed to your style but still made a powerful piece. my only pet peeve with this was your grammar in the 2nd or 3rd line, "more realer" not sure if you did that on purpose but not only did it throw off the flow it was just unnecessary additional words lol. good write though, i enjoyed it.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Thanks. I agree with both of u guys about "more Realer" it was on purpose but it is not needed and does throw off the flow. Noted
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
I fucks with it.. may give more later (Im lazy, sorry).
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
to be continued ass nigga lmao
You def got a nack for the story telling art. You ended this very well cause it kept me wondering whats next which is a great skill to have. I'd like to have seen you do more with this concept seeing how its a pretty well commnly known theme. Adding in a few more metaphors and similes to paint a more vivid picture to the plot of the story so it comes out more original than not, naw mean?
On another note though, your flow was on point. You can tell you wrote this to a beat which is why i tagged u a while back to help dude out in the crew area. Keep at it ma. add your own flavor with some creativity and this joint it poppin.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Lmaoooo to be continued because I have a part 2 I'm still writing. But yeah I agree very common concept..maybe part 2 will set it apart from the rest thanks 4 the feed.
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Wordz AhGod.
I fucks with it.. may give more later (Im lazy, sorry).
Yoo son u lazy af! It's all good tho. I'll google it or something lol
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Need more multis and internals,
is what it is tho
Re: I got a story to tell part 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Go Rilla
Need more multis and internals,
is what it is tho
What is internals?